Hello Again!!!!

Well, I haven't been on here in quite a while. My life has been busy so let me start from where I left off....
I started working. I got a job at a local "do it yourself" warehouse. I love my job but it's hard work. I'm on my feet a lot and my knees and ankles hurt. Originally I was hired for seasonal employment but they decided to keep me and now I am working on the pack down team. I love my job and my co-workers but this job is taking everything out of me.
I went back east again to see my doctors. I had my scans and they found no new growth and no new tumors. They said I'm doing really well and to keep in touch with them when I'm not there. I did e-mail him this weekend because of major head pain on the left side along with stars and dizziness.... One would think that I could just deal with all of this but it's really starting to get to me.
I get up everyday and make my coffee, eat breakfast, shower, go to work, and come home and crash. If I try to add any more into my day I'm toast. I try to add some exercising into my day and I feel as if it's sending me backwards. I'm just trying to live a normal life but it's really starting to wear on me.
This whole disorder doesn't just affect me. My kids are worried all the time. It's getting really hard to hide the way that I'm feeling with them. Derek's not sure what to do. He tries to be understanding and supportive but I know it's wearing on him too.
Medications...what can I say about them. If I want to feel better and pain free then I'm a zombie....If I want to be awake and alert I'm in pain.... How do I win with this one?
I know that I should just be thankful and move forward, but I have this constant reminder in the form of pain that keeps holding me back. I've gained sooooooooo much weight is sickens me and I do have to look at myself everyday for that constant reminder.
I know I've been complaining in this entry but it's where I've been. I'm going to try each day to move a bit further ahead of this. Continue to smile and joke about this and love my family more everyday. I do have a lot to live for and that's what keeps me going.
The boys are doing great...and so is Derek. It's like we got on this roller coaster that won't stop climbing. Seems like we are stuck going up against a brick wall. Occasionally we hit the dip.....OK we hit the dip a lot but that brick wall keeps getting harder and harder to pass.
I do have to say that I am one of the lucky ones. I've only had one surgery and, although I complain a lot, my symptoms aren't as bad as others I know. I am blessed for that. I pray everyday for my friends who are going through this everyday. God dealt us this hand and it is he who will guide us through.

I have a phone interview today...

That's right!!!! I'm trying to go back to work. I'm nervous but happy. I hope my kids can handle being on their own. I really hope that we can get out of debt with this.
I have high hopes for the future as we all do. This summer I want to go on camping trip with my family and trips to the beach. We live so close yet so far away.
Wish me luck...I have a couple of other ventures that I'm trying to work out. I really do like being home but I need to get out into the world as well. I am hoping that this will help my mood.
I pray that I don't get headaches and such. I'm praying that this is something that I can do. I would really like to get into a company that understands the fact that I have to go to Maryland Twice a year and that I could be having surgery soon.
Keep your fingers crossed.....

Happy Birthday to me!!!!

Today is my birthday. It's not a big deal except it's another notch on my list. The list of things I want to do before I die. Before I went into Brain surgery I had this list of things to look forward to and my birthday was one of them. Other things have been checked off that list as well (Christmas, Matt's birthday..etc).
Derek forgot it. My boys remembered though and so did numerous other people. I was sung to a lot and it was great.
My birthday to me represents the fact that I did it. I'm doing it!. I can beat this thing one birthday at a time. One milestone at a time. Take everything as it comes because tomorrow is just another step.
Things may not be perfect in my life but I do have wonderful people in it. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I love them so much.
Everyday is a new stepping stone....a different beginning...My life!

OK.... Time to act like an adult again.

I vented yesterday and I guess I deserved it. I'm so tired of all of the bills and the fact that the government isn't helping the "little people". I've written a couple of letters to Obama and haven't even recieved an automated response. Boy did we chose the wrong president. I guess I can't complain too much. The government is funding the clinical study that I'm a part of. In fact if it doesn't get cut then they will do my next surgery.
I'm just so frustrated that my husband is working so hard and he has no money coming in. We had to "rob Peter to pay Paul" yesterday and I'm not sure its going to work because people are stealing my money. We are overdrawn and over-extended. I feel as if the Devil is using us as his personal pawn in life. He's not allowed but it sure feels like it. God can bring you to it and bring you through it but what about the things that God doesn't bring you to? I don't think that he would put this much on one person.
I feel as if I'm being tested to see how much I can take before I crack.
I tell you right now..... I'm past cracking... I'm done... If this is what God was waiting for then I'm here I'm cracking and it's time for him to carry me.

I have an Orientation tomorrow at the Employment department and I'm hoping they give me some help on re-training or schooling. We need the help and I need to find a new career.

I'm done venting. I do feel, that SSDI should have approved me but since they didn't what am I gonna do...lay down and Die!!!!! Not a chance....

Why does it have to be this hard?????

OK so we are trying to get caught up and money is just not meeting what we need it to. So, today in the mail shut off notices. I'm so sick of this. I'm trying but I can't fix this and I can't fix myself. Why does it have to be this hard?
I'm so tired of all the crap....Life sucks !

New Update!!!

Wednesday is my birthday Woopidy do!!!! I'm not excited because nothings going to happen. No cards, presents, cake..... My hubbies out of town. I sound pathetic don't I. It's not about all the gifts and stuff. I'm down because who is here to acknowledge it? Last year was the first time since my mom was alive that I had a birthday cake...Thanks to Derek and his Mom. It was wonderful. I liked it so much. I miss my mom. She always made our birthdays all about us. It felt good to have cake with the family and even blow out the candles....
Oh well, Life goes on.
I have an all day seminar on that day. So I will be busy. Hopefully they can help me re-train for another job, maybe in healthcare.
I'm back on anti-seizure meds. This is a good thing but now I'm having trouble completing thoughts and sentences. If this post sounds random and mixed up that's why...
The sun has been out now for three days. Saturday we went to the fountains and the kids ran through. Sunday we pulled weeds and grass and had a water fight. I love acting like a kid....
All in all things are OK...Just trying to find a way to pay the bills and keep up with day to day life.

Back in the Hospital....YUCK!

It was a great day here at the "White House" and we were all outside enjoying the weather. I was sitting on our bench and then it hit. I was seeing stars and then the double vision hit. I just felt weird. All I remember was my husband telling me to go lay down and nothing else. I made it to the couch, mumbling crazy incoherent (sp) things and don't even remember it. Derek was asking me some questions and I wasn't responding. The lights were on and no one was home. I just don't get it.....
He rushed me the the ER and low and behold I had another seizure.... My head was pounding so bad that I felt like my right eye was being squeezed with someones fist. They gave me a CT scan and called in my scans from Maryland. They also gave me Dillated and Benedryll and Zophran.
Well, I was released...(big surprise) and told to call my NS and see a PC....Hard to do with no insurance.... I am going to go to the County Health Department today to see about getting on the meds. I'm still waiting for the state to call me back and tell me if I can get approved on medical.
I know why this happened and I know that I am supposed to be on meds. I need to try to stay calm in the event of undo stress. Everytime I stress out I have one. It's horrible, but with all of the new stress it was bound to happen.

I think it's time that we all write e-mails to the President again. I'm so sick of scraping by and wondering why. We all need medical insurance and if we can't afford it this is supposed to be there for us. Why is it that our tax money and the relief money isn't going where it should. This country is falling apart and fast. Businesses going under and more people are homeless....Oregon has one of the Highest unemployment rates and they give us money to build a new bridge....claiming that it will create job...Big clue!!!!! Not all of us can do construction... What a joke. They also gave Oregon money to Dredge the Columbia river.... That isn't going to give me a chance at a job either. What a joke....
They say that for every job opening there are at least 100-200 applicants. College graduates are working at Mc Donalds. Why don't we worry less about what's going on in other countries and try to take care of our own.
Sorry to vent, I just hate the way the government is spending the "relief" money....

I'm doing OK now. I was in bed all day yesterday and still have a little headache today. Such is the life of a brain tumor patient.