Monday, December 29, 2008

I haven't posted in a while

Christmas came and went. It always comes so fast. The kids had a blast as did I. We had a theme this year. Family Fun!
Each present consisted of good ol' fashioned fun. Monopoly, Jenga, Boggle, Uno spin it, and regular playing cards. We played all of them. It has been so much fun. Lots of smiles and laughing till our sides hurt.
The boys got Leggos and Bionicles. The also got PJ's and underwear. I got a camera and a foot massager. Our house was decorated to the hilt and Santa did come and eat all of his goodies. Matthew and Timothy checked that out first thing. Every year I think they aren't going to believe and every year they prove me wrong. I'm glad they prove me wrong.
My health is good. I am a bit weak but I think I need more exercise. I go today to pick up my prescription for my new dosage of Topomax. They are upping my dosage again. I hope it helps this time. I just go with the flow.
I hope for this year that the Christmas spirit stays with everyone all year long. I don't want it to go away after the season ends. This year is going to be rough on everyone and we need to stick together and make it through in order to survive. I know that there's more to life than material things. Life, Love, Laughter.....This is worth fighting for. Morning smiles and cuddles. Sunrises and Sunsets. Children laughing running and playing. Families enjoying themselves. This is what God wanted for us. Not mean vindictive people who can walk past a hungry sick child and not think twice about it. Or send your child off to their room to play video games because they are "bothering you" or you are "too busy" for them. Family and true friends are what are going to help make it through this new depression.
My grandma is still alive today. She is a fighter and knows how to survive. She knows how to pinch pennies and she knows how to cope with the pain of losing a daughter to the same cancer she survived. She knows how precious life is and knows Gods will.
Life is worth so much more than what people are giving it credit for. It's worth so much more than what I have given it credit for in the past.
I am so thankful for my family and friends. For the love and laughter. For the smiles and hugs and the wonderful family Christmas. My life is good.

Friday, December 12, 2008

So This is What I can learn to Expect....

I just don't have to like it.....
I'm pissed off at SSDI. They re-started my case as of December 9th with no other explanation than the computer is never wrong. Hmmmm, sounds a little fishy to me. I cried so hard after I found that out. I started telling my husband, who I love and adore, about this. I told him that I know he didn't sign up for this and if he wanted out he could leave me and I would never hold it against him. He, of coarse, told me to knock it off and that he's in it for the long haul. It's just not fair to him.
After crying and stressing out like I did I gave myself a monster headache. I couldn't believe how bad or how long it's lasted. It feels as if a hammer is hitting the inside of my scull where my incisions are and behind my forehead. Crazy feeling but I'm seeing spots and I've been down for two days. Yesterday was so bad that I was on anti-nausea meds. I just want all of this to go away.
I think that if our economy is going to go to crap and I need to work extra hard to take care of my family then God can take these back. I don't have the time or energy for them. Also, how am I supposed to help others if I can barely help myself. I want to be able to donate something anything to others and I don't know how. This in itself is driving me nuts.
I am thankful for my family and friends. I am so thankful to be alive and be able to watch my children grow.
Christmas is coming and I'm only a little bummed that my hubby is busting his buns to do everything and I'm the one who has to tell him that we need to concentrate on what the boys want and what the bills are. I also told him that I hate that we always skip me. Skip a gift for me. I was in the hospital for our anniversary. We were broke and he was gone on my birthdays, Christmas, etc..... Depression is sinking in again. I asked him to surprise me. I don't want fancy jewelry. I don't want expensive anything. I want something he can surprise me with wrapped and under the tree. Something that benefits me not him or the kids. Something for me not the house or kitchen, car...etc. Am I being selfish? I feel selfish. Forget I said anything. I guess I just wanted to say it or write it down.
I would be happy if he would just listen to what I had to say as opposed to just nodding and doing what he thinks I said. Typical marriage....
I'm off to run Friday errands....
Have a wonderful day everyone

Monday, December 1, 2008

When do I stop being so scared?

When do I wake up and not be scared of this? When is it ok for me to walk outside and not be afraid of a seizure of of getting into an accident because of this stupid thing. I'm afraid to walk by myself for fear of falling.
FEAR has taken over my life. WHY?
I'm trying to pay the bills and I'm trying to get more money in the door. I'm trying to get my dissability to start paying me and I'm trying to get the family ready for Chrismas. I'm trying to hold it all together. All I want to do is cry. I know I need to do all of these things and with our limited means it's not hapening. I am trying to fix this and take care of that. I'm trying to go here and do this when all I really want to do is crawl into a ball and cry my eyes out. I should be really thankful that God gave me a second chance at life. I shoud and I am grateful for this opportunity but at what cost?
Our electric on the verge of being shut off
Our phone on the verge of being shut off
Our gas on the verge of being shut off
Our car on the verge of being repo'd
I'm so tired of fighting all the time to stay afloat only to end up arguing with my family and ending up feeling even lower than I already do about all of this.
I'm tired. I need some relief. I need the government to realize that the "American Dream" has died. I need them to realize that we are becoming a third world country. I need them to realize that I am losing my fight inside. I don't have much strength left. I can only juggle so much before I feel like I am going to completly lose it.
I pray that God gives the strength and wisdom to the powers that be at the SSI office and in congress to push my application through. I pray that we get some relief. I pray that the strength is returned to our family and to my soul so that we can go back to the way we were. I pray that people stop being so selfish and learn how to pay it forward like so many of my good friends have done for my family and we intend to do in the future. I pray for peace in this world as well as in my life. I hope that doesn't sound too selfish of me.

Today I have an appointment with my PCP and tomorrow I have an appointment for an MRI. I hope that I figure out what the next step is in this game.
Happy Holidays Everyone!