Monday, December 1, 2008

When do I stop being so scared?

When do I wake up and not be scared of this? When is it ok for me to walk outside and not be afraid of a seizure of of getting into an accident because of this stupid thing. I'm afraid to walk by myself for fear of falling.
FEAR has taken over my life. WHY?
I'm trying to pay the bills and I'm trying to get more money in the door. I'm trying to get my dissability to start paying me and I'm trying to get the family ready for Chrismas. I'm trying to hold it all together. All I want to do is cry. I know I need to do all of these things and with our limited means it's not hapening. I am trying to fix this and take care of that. I'm trying to go here and do this when all I really want to do is crawl into a ball and cry my eyes out. I should be really thankful that God gave me a second chance at life. I shoud and I am grateful for this opportunity but at what cost?
Our electric on the verge of being shut off
Our phone on the verge of being shut off
Our gas on the verge of being shut off
Our car on the verge of being repo'd
I'm so tired of fighting all the time to stay afloat only to end up arguing with my family and ending up feeling even lower than I already do about all of this.
I'm tired. I need some relief. I need the government to realize that the "American Dream" has died. I need them to realize that we are becoming a third world country. I need them to realize that I am losing my fight inside. I don't have much strength left. I can only juggle so much before I feel like I am going to completly lose it.
I pray that God gives the strength and wisdom to the powers that be at the SSI office and in congress to push my application through. I pray that we get some relief. I pray that the strength is returned to our family and to my soul so that we can go back to the way we were. I pray that people stop being so selfish and learn how to pay it forward like so many of my good friends have done for my family and we intend to do in the future. I pray for peace in this world as well as in my life. I hope that doesn't sound too selfish of me.

Today I have an appointment with my PCP and tomorrow I have an appointment for an MRI. I hope that I figure out what the next step is in this game.
Happy Holidays Everyone!

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