I think I finally crashed today. I cried harder than I have in a long time. I just feel like there's no fight left. I don't have the energy to fight it anymore. If this world wants to be rid of me so badly that it's gone out of its way to make my life hell than have at me. Take me.... I'm done!!!!
My boys don't deserve this and my husband deserves to be happy and not have to work his ass off to support us all the time.
I get it... This life wasn't meant for me. But it was meant for my boys and they deserve the best that this life has to offer. They don't deserve to lose their mom or their home or their lives because of this.
Right now we have hardly any food in the house. We are down to our last roll of toilet paper. Why am I such a failure? I tried to be a good person all the time. To donate when we could and sometimes when we couldn't. I smile and say hi to the lonely people walking by. I try to live my life with my mom in mind. What would she do? How would she handle things and what comes back to me is HOW?
How did she go through all that she went through and still manage to smile that infectious smile? How did she manage to get out of bed everyday and put on the courage mask? Where is that mask now? I need it.
The days ahead of us are pretty blurry now. I'm not quite sure what is going to happen. I pray we can stay in this house, our home. I pray that things turn around for us. I pray that my smile returns.
May 22, 2009
11 years ago