Saturday, January 30, 2010

When does it just stop and let me breath?

I've been having a lot of panic attacks lately. I know I'm under a tremendous amount of stress but, really, Panic Attacks???? Just one more thing. I'm not sure if this is going to subside but I sure hope it does.
I've been so irritable and moody. I just don't think that I have the strength to fight this much longer. I feel like, soon, I'll be in a straight jacket. Between the crying and stress and pain....
Don't get me wrong I will fight and carry on my family trait of strength. I will do my best to conquer this thing for my children. They deserve to have me in their lives.
My insurance company is declaring "Pre-existing" condition and refusing to pay the bills. What a load of crap. Like just what I need is more bills....just what we need.
How much needs to happen before we just give up.
My marriage is hanging on by a thread.... Who would expect a new marriage to survive this kind of diagnosis and all the new bills. I can see it on his face.... Stress....Tired.... How can I expect him to hang on when I don't even know the outcome. I love him so much but this is tearing at us bad.
I keep thinking there's something that I can do to fix our financial situation. Something I haven't thought of yet.... Everything just comes up blank....
I got the e-mail from the NIH. I will be going back again in April. This is both good and bad. I now need to do a fundraiser to get me there. We have no extra money and to add the expenses to that would just pull us further under. I can't not go... I need to go because they don't charge me and that's what I need.
I'm going to stop ranting and try to clean my house. I hope that helps my mood....

2 comments:

Dennis Pyritz, RN said...

Happy New Year! I am working on improving my blogroll- Cancer Blogs - at Being Cancer Network where your own blog is presently listed. One of the things I want to do is to improve the 800 blog entries, making them more useful for readers.

Check to see if information is correct. Please let me know your specific cancer diagnosis - the medical term. Also the year you were diagnosed and anything else you think is relevant for the listing such as a transplant. If you have written a book or memoir, I can feature it in a special Cancer Book List section. Please include the name of your blog in the email so I can put the information in the correct listing.

Cancer Blogs I & II has been a very popular (over 8000 visits) and valuable resource for folks. It allows people to view what others with a similar diagnoses have gone through. And it brings additional attention and traffic to survivor’s blogs. It is helping to build a strong, vibrant community of survivors.

Please consider adding Being Cancer Network to your blogroll if you have not already done so.

Please see my January 10 post - New Year’s New Face - for additional changes in the website. WIshing you a happy and healthy new year.

Dennis Pyritz, RN
leukemia & transplant survivor
beingcancer@att.net

www.beingcancer.net

Kourtney said...

See if those links I sent you can help. And go talk to someone...PTSD is a real diagnosis after dealing with this sort of stuff. xoxo