Friday, January 23, 2009

Live, Love, Laugh, & Learn

Words to live by.
- We cannot put off living until we are ready. The most salient characteristic of life is its urgency, "here and now" without any possible postponement. Life is fired at us point-blank. -Jose Ortega y Gasset

Just a quote I ran across. WOW! I kept reading it and reading it. It's true. Why put it off. Why wait. Life is fired at you. It's a gun pointed at your head and the trigger is pulled. BAM!!!! you're a Mom! BAM! you have Brain Tumors....See where I'm going with this....
Now, some of you out there plan every aspect of your life... 0r so you think. I didn't plan my children. I didn't plan for my mom to get sick. I didn't plan for life to go the way it did. I didn't plan to meet the man of my dreams after I had my children. I didn't plan on getting brain tumors.
We as a whole don't plan on getting into a car accident or sending our sons and daughters off to war. What we can control are our smiles, our love, our inner happiness and our joy.
No one can take away the peace that I feel when I tuck my children into bed every night. No one can take away the love I feel everyday when I wake them up and kiss them good morning. No one can take away the love that my husband and I share or the magic of the birth of my new great nephew Gavin.
Life is short and and we need to not miss out on the little moments that can make us so happy.
-The tragedy of life is not so much what we suffer, but rather what we miss. - Thomas Carlyle

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Crazy People make me happy

I see them on the news all the time making weird comments and funny gestures and I just love it. I laugh and laugh and it just makes me feel good. Not because I think that I am better than they are or anything like that. And, don't get me wrong here, I'm not laughing at them, I'm laughing with them.
Have you ever taken the time to check out the person walking down the street talking to themselves and just listened in? Take a moment before you judge. They are having in depth conversations with someone who gives a damn and listens to them without judging them. Most of us do it everyday in silence in our prayers talking to God. They don't care what you or I think of them. They lost that a long time ago. Life threw them a curve ball and they are rolling with it. They do seem happy. Smiles on there faces, bouncing around like children, talking to people only they can see. And they are happy.
Most adults lost the ability to be truly happy when they were children. We lose that ability to find a toy out of a stick and a game out of two shoes and three friends. We no longer roll down the hills, or laugh because snot bubbles came out of our best friends nose. Most of us have one best friend not 10. We would rather go to a bar than play legos or watch TV than go to the park. We are afraid of the neighbors dog, we don't want to pet it.
I just feel like society is needing an overhaul. We used to know all of our neighbors. We used to know their kids. Our parents had block parties and Tupperware parties and BBQ's. If I sneezed wrong three blocks over my mom knew about it because she got a phone call from Mrs. Smith.
We need to pick one fun memory everyday and just let it stick out in our heads. Live it and tell our children about it. Sledding, basketball, bike rides, Soggy and Boppa's house with chocolate chip cookies. You name it we need to pass this on. Our kids know video games and TV, cartoons and electronics.
This country has devoted a whole trade show to the electronic gaming industry. New and improved ways to kill brain cells in your children. New ways to keep your kids inside and help them to gain weight. We have TV shows that are dedicated to weight loss and clinics dedicated to the obese.
I'm not sure what brought this up other than the fact that I had a lot on my mind. I've been upset because every time I try to work out I end up with a headache. I'm trying to lose some of the weight and gain some strength and it puts me in bed for the rest of the day. Not to sleep because I'm dealing with insomnia again. I'm done with my head hurting. I just want to get out and play with my boys again. I want to run and jump and play basketball with them. I want to laugh till my sides hurt and I have tears coming out of my eyes. I don't want to do this and end up with a headache. I also feel like I'm not teaching my children any kind of lesson by being in the house all of the time. I'm not sure how much longer they are going to let me drive and that just makes it worse.
Chin up and moving forward I just need to re-define my terms........

So, back to the beginning of my post "Crazy people make me happy", what's the difference between them walking down the street talking out loud and me voicing it on here? Am I crazy too? Are all of the other bloggers crazy too? Or, are we just closet crazy people.....LOL

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A happy pill and a cuddles from my hubby

Good medicine when you're feeling blue. He really does take care of me when my head starts to explode. We were laughing a little earlier. You see we have really good insurance so if a tree were to fall on our house we could collect the insurance money and start over....hmmmmmm maybe someplace warm.....
Wishful thinking.
I watch those shows House hunters International. I love it when they go to tropical places and get beautiful homes for next to nothing. I mean I'm in. I would love to spend the rest of my days lounging on a beach with my only worry being "should I have a Mai Tai or a Margarita?" "Lounge chair or beach towel?"
We could go to a tropical place that loves Americans...(not many left) and I could raise my boys there. Derek and I could sell arts and crafts to the tourists and spend our days loving life.....hmmmmmmmm living a pipe dream....LOL
I'm definitely on my happy pills. You see, when you have brain tumors...You get to tell the doctors what you want. You don't have to wait for them to prescribe it to you. I want to try this one this time doc....OK.....
It's not really all like that but it sure feels like that sometimes. For the money that we pay out in prescriptions I should own the companies.
I do have to say that through all of this and every up and down Derek and I are still here. He married a Hottie with two kids and ended up with me, some brain tumors, and some funny deficits, and he's still here. Gotta love him.
We're going to be OK.
HAPPY PILLS AWAY!!!!!!!! Tomorrow's a new day

So Now What?????

The doctors are upset to say the least but ultimately are leaving it up to me. It is my body and my choice whether I go back to work or not. I can try. I have to do something. I can't have people feeling bad because they are unable to help us right now. It's not there job to help us. We are truly thankful for all the help we have received throughout this time, but now it's time to step up and make it happen. It's time for me to ease others burdens.
I figure between my two boys, my brother Kevin's 4 kids and Scot's two kids, one of them is going to become the doctor who finds the cure for this disorder. Then I will know that all of the kids will be safe.
I am off to the Vocational Rehabilitation Office to see if I will be able to work and then it's off to the work force. We'll see what happens...Wish me luck.....

Sunday, January 4, 2009

I just don't know anymore

I'm losing faith in my government in the system in its people. I'm losing faith in the people who think that a computer is always right, yet we pay people billions of dollars every year to fix and upgrade them. I am losing faith in our future and what I have to send my children into when for all I know the only good people out there are my immediate friends.
That can't be so. This can't be the way that God intended it. Good hard working people didn't intend for us to go under but the government, who we have paid into for years does. They are willing to turn their heads and cough and forget about it. They do not care about us or how we are coming to survive through this. They only see me as a number. I am one in a billion of people who have applied for SSDI this year. I am just a number and one with an unrecognizable disorder that has already kicked my case out of the system once so they have started my case over. My new decision date is April 29. It was originally January 29.
Now, I have no choice. I am going to lie to a prospective employer. I am going to apply for a job and not tell them about my disorder. I am going to work full time and go for medical benefits and hope that nothing happens in the process. I don't know how we are going to make it anymore without me working. I'm tired of being a strain on others and I can't keep taking help from others when they have their own mouths to feed. I am not ungrateful by any means. It's exactly the opposite. I couldn't be more grateful. We couldn't have made it without them.
A very nice lady is bringing me a treadmill today to borrow. I posted an add on Craigslist to trade a Printer for a used treadmill and she offered to loan me one. I told her that I couldn't believe her generosity and I was very thankful. She sounds like an older woman. She has a daughter who lives across the way and I told her that Derek is home to help unload.
My goal:
Lose 50lbs
Get Strong again
Get memory back
Get coordination back
Get back to work
Get my independence back

It's time. I can't keep waiting on something that's never going to happen. I can't wait for the government to determine that "oh yeah she does have inoperable tumors" "oh yeah she doesn't have a short term memory or balance"
It sucks that so many people have frauded them each year to make it get to this point. If they would just look at my doctors notes they would see that I have multiple brain tumors..... Neurofibromatosis Type II and had major brain surgery. Maybe they would see the doctors notes that I do have deficits. I don't know maybe this is how they save money. Just put people off until they just can't take it anymore.
I'm going to be ok. I will be fine. We are going to do what we have to do to survive and make it happen.....