Sunday, January 4, 2009

I just don't know anymore

I'm losing faith in my government in the system in its people. I'm losing faith in the people who think that a computer is always right, yet we pay people billions of dollars every year to fix and upgrade them. I am losing faith in our future and what I have to send my children into when for all I know the only good people out there are my immediate friends.
That can't be so. This can't be the way that God intended it. Good hard working people didn't intend for us to go under but the government, who we have paid into for years does. They are willing to turn their heads and cough and forget about it. They do not care about us or how we are coming to survive through this. They only see me as a number. I am one in a billion of people who have applied for SSDI this year. I am just a number and one with an unrecognizable disorder that has already kicked my case out of the system once so they have started my case over. My new decision date is April 29. It was originally January 29.
Now, I have no choice. I am going to lie to a prospective employer. I am going to apply for a job and not tell them about my disorder. I am going to work full time and go for medical benefits and hope that nothing happens in the process. I don't know how we are going to make it anymore without me working. I'm tired of being a strain on others and I can't keep taking help from others when they have their own mouths to feed. I am not ungrateful by any means. It's exactly the opposite. I couldn't be more grateful. We couldn't have made it without them.
A very nice lady is bringing me a treadmill today to borrow. I posted an add on Craigslist to trade a Printer for a used treadmill and she offered to loan me one. I told her that I couldn't believe her generosity and I was very thankful. She sounds like an older woman. She has a daughter who lives across the way and I told her that Derek is home to help unload.
My goal:
Lose 50lbs
Get Strong again
Get memory back
Get coordination back
Get back to work
Get my independence back

It's time. I can't keep waiting on something that's never going to happen. I can't wait for the government to determine that "oh yeah she does have inoperable tumors" "oh yeah she doesn't have a short term memory or balance"
It sucks that so many people have frauded them each year to make it get to this point. If they would just look at my doctors notes they would see that I have multiple brain tumors..... Neurofibromatosis Type II and had major brain surgery. Maybe they would see the doctors notes that I do have deficits. I don't know maybe this is how they save money. Just put people off until they just can't take it anymore.
I'm going to be ok. I will be fine. We are going to do what we have to do to survive and make it happen.....

1 comment:

Kourtney said...

I'm sorry Kelly. The system really does stink and is totally broken. I applied for SSDI at the beginning for November. They needed some more paperwork so I did that, probably middle of November. By the middle of Dec. I had already received the news--denied. Although I suffer from severe back pain and haven't worked in over two years and have a disability rating and my drs don't know if I will ever be well again, I was denied. Just flat out denied in a matter of weeks. What I was told would take months to decide took about 4 weeks. I can appeal but they have already said from my history they think I am fully capable of working. Maybe that is just their way to keep me from appealing, I don't know. Right now though I am doing okay with money and whatever I would get from SSDI would never be enough to pay any sort of bills. So hopefully I will be released from drs and do what you are planning, lying to jobs and faking my way through feeling good to get back out there and get some real money and insurance.

Take care and know that I'm always thinking of you. Hugs!