Friday, February 5, 2010

Well isn't that nice...

I think I finally crashed today. I cried harder than I have in a long time. I just feel like there's no fight left. I don't have the energy to fight it anymore. If this world wants to be rid of me so badly that it's gone out of its way to make my life hell than have at me. Take me.... I'm done!!!!
My boys don't deserve this and my husband deserves to be happy and not have to work his ass off to support us all the time.
I get it... This life wasn't meant for me. But it was meant for my boys and they deserve the best that this life has to offer. They don't deserve to lose their mom or their home or their lives because of this.
Right now we have hardly any food in the house. We are down to our last roll of toilet paper. Why am I such a failure? I tried to be a good person all the time. To donate when we could and sometimes when we couldn't. I smile and say hi to the lonely people walking by. I try to live my life with my mom in mind. What would she do? How would she handle things and what comes back to me is HOW?
How did she go through all that she went through and still manage to smile that infectious smile? How did she manage to get out of bed everyday and put on the courage mask? Where is that mask now? I need it.
The days ahead of us are pretty blurry now. I'm not quite sure what is going to happen. I pray we can stay in this house, our home. I pray that things turn around for us. I pray that my smile returns.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Hello Again

I'm currently attending a Pain Management facility. It's supposed to help me manage my pain a little better or so I thought. They are talking about injection therapy at my scar sight and possible methadone treatment. I'm not to sure about either one of those choices. On a positive note my Blood Pressure is back down to 126/74....WHEW!
I know that I'm not as positive a person as I was going into this. I started out good and everything was going to be fine and I was going to take my life back with a didn't quite work out that way.
It seems as if I'm on a roller coaster that for the most part is constantly going up. I'm struggling in my seat just anticipating the plummet and it never comes. There's no even out or dips just the constant climb. I think if I can get past that and start the ride I can go back to a somewhat normal life.
I was asked to be a part of or linked to a Cancer site. I'm flattered but my condition isn't cancer. I don't know if the person knew that or not. I know the first thing people think of with this is cancer. TUMOR = CANCER that's the way I used to think as well. Neurofibromatosis a condition that causes neurological tumors to grow constantly. I am missing my chromosome 22 which would stop the growth of these benign tumors. Yeah for my genes!
I got my itinerary today for my next trip back east. I leave on April 18 with my husband and return home on April 23. I'm praying for no new growth and I'm praying for some answers. I am so greatful for the NINDS or the NIH. They have been wonderful to me. Free medical that doesn't take the "Person" out of the mix. They are kind and caring.
This is just a little update. I'm going to try to write more at a later date.