Friday, February 5, 2010

Well isn't that nice...

I think I finally crashed today. I cried harder than I have in a long time. I just feel like there's no fight left. I don't have the energy to fight it anymore. If this world wants to be rid of me so badly that it's gone out of its way to make my life hell than have at me. Take me.... I'm done!!!!
My boys don't deserve this and my husband deserves to be happy and not have to work his ass off to support us all the time.
I get it... This life wasn't meant for me. But it was meant for my boys and they deserve the best that this life has to offer. They don't deserve to lose their mom or their home or their lives because of this.
Right now we have hardly any food in the house. We are down to our last roll of toilet paper. Why am I such a failure? I tried to be a good person all the time. To donate when we could and sometimes when we couldn't. I smile and say hi to the lonely people walking by. I try to live my life with my mom in mind. What would she do? How would she handle things and what comes back to me is HOW?
How did she go through all that she went through and still manage to smile that infectious smile? How did she manage to get out of bed everyday and put on the courage mask? Where is that mask now? I need it.
The days ahead of us are pretty blurry now. I'm not quite sure what is going to happen. I pray we can stay in this house, our home. I pray that things turn around for us. I pray that my smile returns.

43 comments:

Kourtney said...

There are food banks you can go to and assistance you can get. I would keep fighting for SSD. Are you able to work anymore? I don't know what happened with that but for awhile there you seemed like things were going better and you were working. Can you file bankruptcy and start over? I'm praying for you all the time. You should check in on the support forum and let others offer you support and love!!

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雅明修任 said...

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316 said...

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316 said...

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快樂,是享受工作過程的結果......................................................................

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Lisa said...

Are you in remission or continuing to struggle on this journey...If you are, I'd really like to offer some tips that helped me cope when I had a 10 mm tumor in my lung. I have walked in your shoes. Please let me know...meanwhile, may God Bless you and keep you safe and getting better every day.

Lisa
ChakraDreams