Tuesday, September 30, 2008

What a weekend...

I love it when I can feel like I don't have this disorder at all. I felt that way for most of the weekend.
It all started with me going bowling with my good friend Kristen. I had so much fun and laughed soooo hard. I didn't bowl very well but I had an incredible time. I had two goals for the night:
1. Don't fall down
2. Have fun
I achieved both of them. What an incredible feeling to just be normal even for a night. The only thing I would have changed was the one guy Kevin kept asking me questions about my surgery and recovery. I finally said "Dude, I'm here aren't I". I do have to say that drunk idiots can be quite comical when they start falling for no reason at all. He fell of the couch in slow motion. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants....

After such a wonderful night of bowling you would think the excitement was over....but no! My wonderful brother and his family came and picked me up and got me out of my house for the weekend. They took me for a drive in the Gorge and we hiked to one of the waterfalls. It wasn't that far but I was sure glad I made it. We stopped by a brewery called Edgefield and listened to live music and drank wine ( a whole bottle). That place was so cool. Then we had smores. What a wonderful weekend.
I was able to just be Kelly. Not Kelly with the brain tumors. I found my smile again and have more energy. I am ready to tackle the world.
Today I need to scrub my kitchen floors and do some laundry. I also need to go pick up the rest of my prescription and call the doctor on the other one. How any company can charge 199.00 for a prescription is beyond me. It's bad enough that my Migraine meds are 30.00 and my other ones are 60.00. I actually need these to stay mostly pain free and they are making it really hard on me to survive when I'm spending 2 to 300 dollars a month on prescriptions.
I'm also going to call the doctor about the pain in my neck and back. This is actually affecting my sleep and my mobility. I thought I needed sleep aid but really all I need is a muscle relaxer to ease the spasms in my neck and back muscles. They cut into my neck muscles and now I have to keep stretching them and rubbing them just to keep them from hurting. I am such an complainer......
Lots to do today...I am going to do what I can to ensure everything gets done....

Friday, September 26, 2008

My Rant

Yes, we all tend to rant and rave about things or issues that bug us. Well, I have one. I'm tired of people asking me how I am and then going off on their latest cold symptoms acting like they are dying....And expecting sympathy from me. Well, I'll trade you!!!! is generally my response.
I'm probably just bored and bitter and that's why I'm feeling the way I am. I'm usually pretty sympathetic but a cold....come on....
I have another issue that happened that I can't talk about on here. Maybe someday but not today. I just want to be normal more than anything else. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I just want to take care of everything on my own and I can't. I'm being torn in so many directions that sooner or later I'm going to break. Oh well, that's my little bitch and now I'm done.
The boys are off to their dads. He is taking them to their aunts house which isn't really the greatest place to be. Oh well, I haven't been there in a while maybe it's better now.
You know, I really don't like to complain about things but I'm sure glad I started this blog. I feel so much better now. Sometimes it helps to just get it all off of your chest.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Next appointment with Neurologist is Monday. I will update then.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

So, I have brain tumors....What's your excuse???

I really need to get a shirt or a hat that says that. I blame almost everything on my tumors. Why not.... most of the time it gets a laugh.
Yesterday I went outside to get some chicken from the freezer in the garage. Normally this wouldn't be a big ordeal but this time was different. You see, the door to the garage has a funky lock on it where it's unlocked on the inside and locked on the outside. Yes, you guessed it. I locked myself out.
Immediately I started crying. Not because I wanted to but because one of the side effects to the surgery and coming off the steroid is over active emotions. Once I start crying I can't stop. Thank God I had my cell phone. I called my friends and they immediately came over. They were so good to me. They tried to break into my house and it didn't work. That was sure comforting. Then we called the locksmith.
65.00 and 30 seconds later I was in my house. I was locked out for 2 hours. I'm laughing about it now and so is everyone else.
Today I had my appointment with SSI. I applied for SSDI which is disability benefits. The gal that was working with me was very helpful and at the end of a 2 hour meeting she said there was no reason for me to be denied. She asked me so many questions and was able to see that YES I have memory loss. She told me that it was good that I was so prepared and brought all my medical records and had all of their phone numbers and addresses. She also told me it wasn't a big deal that I didn't have my birth certificate. They are passing some new rules that make it so they don't require them anymore.
She was, to say the least, great. She answered my questions, gave me a few tips, and was very pleasant. What I didn't like was the lighting. I'm still taking medications to get rid of this nifty migraine that I have now. I hate headaches.
Other than the headache everything is going good. Life is good and I'm learning to live with the fact that I need to take the time to heal. I need to allow myself to relax and heal. If I say this out loud enough then I won't allow myself to get that cooped up feeling. It's not so bad because I have a nice house in a nice neighborhood and great kids. My family and friends are the best. I have a friend who calls me to take my mind off of things. He usually makes me laugh and always makes me smile. I have another friend who picked me up for ice cream and brought me Minnie mouse ears. She has also taken time out of her busy day to help me out. I have another friend who helped me move. She was one of the hardest workers I've ever seen.
I am Blessed! To live is a gift....And I will never forget it.

Friday, September 19, 2008

At Home Mom Blues

I am going nuts staying at home and trying to keep myself occupied. I clean and cook and do the laundry. I ride my kids about homework and picking up after themselves. I just don't know what to do to keep myself busy.
I knit as much as I can. I talk to myself and the dog. I log onto the computer and to my Meningioma Mommas board and reply to all of the posts. I am so used to working that I miss it even though I didn't like it all that much. So, what now?

I filled out the form to volunteer at the boys' school. I get my driving privileges back in 35 days. That will help tremendously. I have a meeting at the SSI office on Monday. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Then after saying all of this I wonder why am I complaining. I finally get to be a huge positive part of my boys' life. I'm ALIVE!!!! I survived brain surgery. Not just Brain surgery but major brain surgery. Two incisions on my scull one 8 1/2 inches and the other 4 inches. I also had 49 staples and two other small incisions where the drainage tubes were. Yes Pictures are coming. We took pics of the incision site (didn't look that bad). I actually reacted very well to the surgery. We also took pics of me in recovery. I looked pale but otherwise I was smiling.

I am trying to make the most of this. I am thankful for all of the gifts in my life. I wouldn't trade this life for anything. I am blessed.

With all of that said here is my new short term goal list:

1. Be able to walk around the entire block by myself
2. Be able to read a book again
3. lose 50 lbs by this time next year
4. Be a more positive person
5. Take time to smell the roses (slow down and enjoy life)

I'm sure that I will add to this list as I continue to add to my long term goal list. I will continue to thank God for all of the gifts in my life as well as giving me one more day. I will also try to find a new hobby or maybe a new career that doesn't involve staring at the computer all day.

I'm done venting now.... To all who read this Have a wonderful, positive day!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Surgery went well

I had my surgery on 8/25/08. It was 7 hours of hell for my family and friends but I really don't remember any of it. I am still recovering and taking it one day at a time.
Things I had to deal with after surgery:
Noisy ICU
Still wasn't sleeping
Swelling of my face and body from steroids
Wasn't able to walk well
49 staples to my head
Once home from the hospital....
I had pain and lack of sleep from rolling onto incision site
One major migraine which put me in the hospital
Slight depression due to the fact that I am stuck in this house
Can't seem to do anything without being tired
I have a hard time focusing on the computer and TV.
I can't read a book yet and this sucks!!!!!

So, I'm a little down on myself. I should be looking at it like Holy Shit! I just survived brain surgery. I should be thanking my lucky stars...which I do but why do I feel so down? I can't seem to figure it out.
All is going good. I got my staples out and nearly broke Derek's finger doing it. I am off nearly all my meds except for the occasional pain med. I think they are going to put me back on Topomax for the migraines though.
I got a letter from SSI stating that I was denied benefits due to the fact that I didn't apply for them. Hmmmmmm, my appointment isn't until September 23rd and they are supposed to help me fill out the forms then. How can I be denied for this.
I'm just full of so much emotion right now. I cry at everything and don't know why. I can't sleep right or eat right. I'm even having to force myself to smile.... I just want to be normal and back to my old self.

I've always been able to get myself out of this funk but it feels as if this is going to take some work. I hope it ends soon. Sorry I'm not my normal upbeat self but I strive to be there soon. I just need to vent and this is the only way I can seem to do it.

I am thankful for my wonderful surgery and quick recovery. I am also very thankful for my family and friends. Everyone has been so quick to help me out and put my care top on their list. I am really thankful that I survived and that everything went so well. I am thankful to be alive.....