Thursday, January 7, 2010

Still Pluggin' along

You know I didn't even realize that when I wrote those two posts that I was talking to God. I just started typing in the middle of a frustrated moment and didn't stop to read them until the end. It's funny how we stop and talk to him. It becomes second nature.
I went to get a sleep deprived EEG yesterday and had an appointment with my new Pain management doc. My blood pressure is dangerously high. I am in danger of having a stroke. What a blow to my ego. I have always teetered on the lower end of of the spectrum. I've even been told that it was too low at one point in time.
So, when does everything just kind of slow down? When is it OK to start looking forward to stuff again?
My whole life has revolved around one pattern. Whenever something good happens I can be guaranteed that something bad will come and take it's place. For example. We had a good family growing up, or so I thought, and then my dad left. Then my mom made our lives pretty fantastic growing up and then I decided to screw up that whole relationship to the point where we were barely talking. I fixed that relationship and it was wonderful and then she got sick and past away. I got married to a wonderful man and then I got this freaking brain tumor disorder.
As much as I think that I can keep trying to see the happiness in my life I am scared to admit there is any for fear of it being destroyed. How do I change this cycle? How do I make it OK to be happy again? How do I get to the point where I can start pointing out all of the wonderful things in my life without the fear that they will disappear.
This is my fear. If I give into what my heart wants me to then my heart will be crushed. How is this anyway to live. So now I need to chose the lesser of two evils. No matter what I chose I lose.
My boys can see it in my face. They can see that I've resorted to a blank feeling. I cry at the drop of a hat and I literally have to force myself to laugh or smile most days. This isn't fair for anyone, me included. This could all be avoided if I could just find one way to be able to enjoy the wonderful gifts in my life. I am scared that if I show any form of excitement it will all be taken away.
So, what do I do? Maybe this is why my blood pressure is so high.
Don't get me wrong on any of this. I love my family more than anything in this world. I want nothing more for them then happiness and good health. I want everything good for them.
I'm rambling...I just need to buck up and keep moving. I need to set my course and steer the path. I need to draw strength from my family and them from me. I need to stop whining all the time.

1 comment:

Kourtney said...

You have a right to whine and be upset but so many of us need you so we need you to find the strength to keep on! I hope they get your blood pressure under control soon...I was reading something the other day about how some AEDs and other meds can cause bp to be super high. Please take care of yourself! I know that there are plenty of worse things I can experience in life but I try so hard to be happy right now because you never know when it will change and I don't want to always be sad and sit around waiting for the bad to happen and then it doesn't and I wasted my life being miserable and stressed and wondering what if! Maybe you need some therapy. A lot of people talk about how you have to grieve for your old life and move on but that is easier said than done I think. And there is a big connection btwn PTSD and brain tumors. There is help out there Kelly and I pray you find some relief soon!! Love you!