Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Is there really a God?

You know unless suffering is a term of endearment than I don't believe it. Why must one person or one family suffer so much. Why did it have to be us and who in the hell decided that this was the type of life I wanted.
First you bless me with two beautiful children and then the fathers flake out. Then you bring back the relationship with my mom only to take her away from me. Then I meet this wonderful man and as newlyweds we get blessed with heart attacks and brain tumors...
Really fucking nice. For every good thing that has happened to me in this life something screwed up or just plain fucked up has to come and show it's face. Well, you know what???? I'm done being happy for the good things in my life. I'm done showing any kind of happiness because all you are going to do is stomp on it. Take the few seconds of joy and shatter them.
I'm tired.I'm drained. I'm done. I am having a really hard time trying to keep it together. If this is truly how life is supposed to be then Why? Why even try?
This family can't take much more. The abuse on our emotions needs to stop. This roller coaster is done and I want off.....
Out of all of this one thing is true. I love my family enough to try harder and fight harder but let me ask you this.... How much can one person take??? How much can one family take???? Don't my boys deserve better than this??? What did they do to deserve this????

4 comments:

Kourtney said...

Sorry Kel, I don't have the answers but I just wanted you to know that I understand and can relate. Big hugs!!! You are an awesome Mom and those boys deserve to have you in their life and I am just sure that some where in all of this is a silver lining.

Fabs said...

Hello,
I just want to tell you that it is amazing how after reading your blog I felt that you took some of my thoughts and wrote them down...I don't have any answers either, but I think WE NEED AND HAVE TO BE STRONG. It is OK to be angry, mad and to hate everyone that doesn't have to deal with what we have to, but what other option do we have?
WE MUST BE STRONG! After all, that its all we have, the rest is out of our hands...
xoxo

Bob Skold's this is my life . . . said...

Hello,

A staff member of the NF Endurance Team saw this blog and suggested I comment. I was diagnosed with NF 2 many years ago (bi-lateral auditory tumors) and now am on staff with the NF Endurance Team, but perhaps more relevant years ago I took a sabbatical to get an M.Div. degree so if you are interested, I may dialogue with you about your question: "Is there a God?" Just one thought here please: "Perfect love overcomes all fear" 1 John 4:18

Thanks for your blog .....
Bob Skold Jr.

Tumor Girl said...

I totally know how frustrated you are, it really sucks. Hang in there.