Friday, December 12, 2008

So This is What I can learn to Expect....

I just don't have to like it.....
I'm pissed off at SSDI. They re-started my case as of December 9th with no other explanation than the computer is never wrong. Hmmmm, sounds a little fishy to me. I cried so hard after I found that out. I started telling my husband, who I love and adore, about this. I told him that I know he didn't sign up for this and if he wanted out he could leave me and I would never hold it against him. He, of coarse, told me to knock it off and that he's in it for the long haul. It's just not fair to him.
After crying and stressing out like I did I gave myself a monster headache. I couldn't believe how bad or how long it's lasted. It feels as if a hammer is hitting the inside of my scull where my incisions are and behind my forehead. Crazy feeling but I'm seeing spots and I've been down for two days. Yesterday was so bad that I was on anti-nausea meds. I just want all of this to go away.
I think that if our economy is going to go to crap and I need to work extra hard to take care of my family then God can take these back. I don't have the time or energy for them. Also, how am I supposed to help others if I can barely help myself. I want to be able to donate something anything to others and I don't know how. This in itself is driving me nuts.
I am thankful for my family and friends. I am so thankful to be alive and be able to watch my children grow.
Christmas is coming and I'm only a little bummed that my hubby is busting his buns to do everything and I'm the one who has to tell him that we need to concentrate on what the boys want and what the bills are. I also told him that I hate that we always skip me. Skip a gift for me. I was in the hospital for our anniversary. We were broke and he was gone on my birthdays, Christmas, etc..... Depression is sinking in again. I asked him to surprise me. I don't want fancy jewelry. I don't want expensive anything. I want something he can surprise me with wrapped and under the tree. Something that benefits me not him or the kids. Something for me not the house or kitchen, car...etc. Am I being selfish? I feel selfish. Forget I said anything. I guess I just wanted to say it or write it down.
I would be happy if he would just listen to what I had to say as opposed to just nodding and doing what he thinks I said. Typical marriage....
I'm off to run Friday errands....
Have a wonderful day everyone

2 comments:

Tumor Girl said...

I feel for you sweetie, but please try to relax and stop stressing so much I know its easier said than done but stress makes it so much worse! Trust me I know.

Kourtney said...

Are you on any depression or anxiety meds? I know it is really hard but it isn't healthy to be worrying and stressing. And I don't think it is selfish at all to want the husband to get YOU something. Even if it is really small or inexpensive, its the thought that counts.