Monday, November 24, 2008


I sit here all day and all night and do a whole lot of nothing. I wish I could work. I feel like a freeloader. I am 33 years old and the littlest bit of stress and I freak out. I get a headache and I'm back in my depression. WHY????
I used to thrive on stress. I used to thrive on multi-tasking. I used to love being so busy that my head was spinning. Now I can barely handle one task. My brother thinks that if I just get back out there and go back to work I'll be fine. I'm scared because what happens if I freak out at work? I wish I could see a counselor. I try to talk to Derek about this but he has so much on his plate right now. He even told me yesterday that he isn't going to be home for Christmas. So, now I single handily ruined Christmas. What did I do that was so terrible to deserve this. All I ever wanted was Love and Family. I already lost my mom, had brain surgery, am losing my family slowly. I'm so scared.
I'm supposed to be the strong one. I'm supposed to be the one with all of the answers. I'm the one that is supposed to work their fingers to the bone for her family. This can't go on like this forever. I need to have some answers. I have an appointment on December 1st with my PCP and then on December 16th with my NS. I hope and pray that someone has an answer as to why my brain is working like this.
I am going to the NINDS in January or February for that study. I'm going to ask them tons of questions. I feel like they probably know more about this disease than I could ever know. It's one of the main reasons I want to go. I also want to know why my vision is blurring. I just want answers.
My head hurts, a dull ache. I'm not sure why but the ringing is getting louder and it's almost as if someone is trying really hard to tell me something. I hope it's something good.
Today I'm thankful for my family, my boys, my life and all the love in my heart. I'm thankful to be alive. I'm thankful for hope and healing. I'm thankful for good friends. I'm thankful for the roof over my head and the warmth of our home. I am thankful for my life.

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