Saturday, November 15, 2008

No matter what I do I always end up right back here

I'm the demise of this family. I can't work. SSDI takes forever to kick in. We are going to lose our car. And I'm pissed off.
I bought one thing with the money my mom left me. It was my car. When I married my husband the car was too small or something and so we got bigger one with payments which was fine at the time. Now, because of my own stupidity, We are going to lose that. I know it's a material item and I shouldn't be upset about it but right now I feel like I'm losing my mom all over again. Why is that. It's just a freakin car. I don't even like it. It's a material item and I could probably use the walking anyways.
I didn't ask for these F-ing tumors or this stupid disease. I didn't ask for the depression that goes along with it or the numbness of limbs. You can have all of this stupid crap back. I don't want it anymore. I'm done with it. I'm done messing with my boys' lives. Did they ask for this. How much F-ing crap do they have to go through before they decide they can't take living with me anymore. This stupid frickin disease....DAMN I'M PISSED OFF!!!!
So what, now I'm allowed one good night before I get a bomb shell? OK Kelly go have your fun and let lose but remember that I'm going to pull the rug out from under your feet in the morning.
SSDI has this new Compassionate Allowances Act. What it is is a Fast Tract to benefits for those with certain disabilities. They put a list of 50 on there. I guess that if you have a brain Tumor or lets say...hmmm 20 brain Tumors it's not good enough. Now, lets say you had surgery for said tumors and were left with deficits...hmmm... You can wait. Yes that's right. You can wait for 90 - 120 days for the first decision to be NO. Then you get to pay some lawyer money you don't have (let's hope by this time you're not homeless) to get yet another NO in another 2-4 years. OK, So, you pay the same lawyer, again, money you don't have (hopefully your not homeless or dead) to possibly get a yes. Maybe this is what they want. Push people to the brink so that they end up not having to pay anything.
I for one don't think it's fair to do this to my children. I'm having to chose medical over food. I'm having to chose electricity over rent and so on. I'm juggling payments with money I don't have and maybe I'm just pissed off at myself for not being more prepared for this.
I'm not so mad about losing the car I guess. It's just how am I supposed to get to my docs and how am I supposed to get groceries. What if me and the kids want to go somewhere. I should just forget what the docs say, forget how I'm feeling, buck up and go back to work. I need to take care of this family.

I really need to quit trying to have fun. Every time I go out or try to have fun I always end up right here the next morning......

1 comment:

Tumor Girl said...

you shouldn't be paying a lawyer for ssdi, they are not legally allowed to charge you, they can only take money when they get you the money, check out this link and call these people, they can help or find someone who can. http://meningiomablog.blogspot.com/2008/09/social-security-disability-insurance.html you may have already seen this post, but these ladies told me that no lawyer is allowed by law to charge for helping someone to obtain social security, you need to call them, I posted their number on that post. they are not local to you but do work in neighboring states and have connections in other states. I am very sorry you have to deal with all this, I know it is hard, it must be even harder with children involved. My heart goes out to you.