Lord, Are you there?

I'm so numb. It's like I'm in this bubble and everything is on the outside trying to puncture it. Stabbing at me with push pins. Poke Poke Poke!
I really need something to give. I know you're out there Lord. I know I can feel you and I'm just wondering WHY?
I know that without suffering there can be no compassion. How much compassion do you want me to have? Would you like me to lose my house and my kids? Would you like me to end up in a mental institute complete with straight jacket and padded walls? What do you want from me? Do you want me to suffer? How about my family do you want them to suffer? How about all the fear and unknown in our lives right now...... How much do you really think the boys can take before they crack..... How much do you expect Derek to be able to take before he finally says enough is enough? I need some answers God. I deserve some answers.
My brother had an MRI and it came back abnormal.... I thought that the deal I made with you was that this stops at me and I will try not to complain and even make jokes about it.....What happened to that? Why can't this just stop with me?
What is your plan for me and my family? Better yet... What is you plan for me? I am at the end of my rope Lord. I know you've seen me crying, I know you've seen me so scared I can't sleep. I know you can feel what I'm feeling so WHY??????
I don't want to lose my home....my kids...our life...
I don't want to see my brother or anyone go through this....
I want to be able to work more and contribute more to our family...
I'm tired of pawning off everything we own just to cover bills...
I'm just Tired...
Tired......
When is it our turn to take a break and relax....Not have to think about anything but fun and relaxing... I miss my smile... I really miss Derek's smile and what about my boys....
Seems they are only having fun and smiling outside of the home these days. I can see the worry and frustration in their eyes and they are just kids. They deserve to have fun and just be kids.
I want you to really listen to me, Lord. Please hear me... I'm tired. We need some peace. We need to see the light at the end of this tunnel. My boy deserve a better life than this. They deserve to not have to worry and to be happy. Derek deserves to live through at least one day where the bills aren't hounding at his every thought. I deserve to be able to not have to worry about everything all the time.
Please just hear my prayer.