Off to the docs again.

I'm really ready for this to be done and over with. The only problem I have is if that day comes then my life would be over and I'm not ready for that. I'm ready for pain free days with no dizzy spells or seizures. I'm ready for the headaches to go away and to stop taking all those pills.
A co-worker of mine showed me this article about a boy in Idaho who has the same disorder that I have and he just got accepted by Social Security. What an amazing kid. Just turned 18 and was diagnosed with this at 4. This disorder took his Dads life. That scares the shit out of me.
Positives: I'm alive and thankful for that. I have a wonderful family and the best kids on the planet. I have so much more love in my heart these days. I can still dance...(at least in the comfort of my own home)
I'm trying to see the positive but it's hard when my "symptoms" pop up. Yesterday my head hurt. Today it's like my eyeballs are throbbing. So, try to picture for one moment what it would be like to see, drive, work with your eyes constantly throbbing on the outer vision. Needless to say, I find myself frustrated, depressed and just plain down. I want to be happy and I want to better myself for my kids. I want to lose 100 lbs and I want to live to see my great grand children. I want to be able to play with them as well.
You know, it seems as if I'm only on here for pity parties. My own personal hell, hidden behind a smile and released on this form of free therapy. Wow, I need to buck up and snap out of it.