OK.... Time to act like an adult again.

I vented yesterday and I guess I deserved it. I'm so tired of all of the bills and the fact that the government isn't helping the "little people". I've written a couple of letters to Obama and haven't even recieved an automated response. Boy did we chose the wrong president. I guess I can't complain too much. The government is funding the clinical study that I'm a part of. In fact if it doesn't get cut then they will do my next surgery.
I'm just so frustrated that my husband is working so hard and he has no money coming in. We had to "rob Peter to pay Paul" yesterday and I'm not sure its going to work because people are stealing my money. We are overdrawn and over-extended. I feel as if the Devil is using us as his personal pawn in life. He's not allowed but it sure feels like it. God can bring you to it and bring you through it but what about the things that God doesn't bring you to? I don't think that he would put this much on one person.
I feel as if I'm being tested to see how much I can take before I crack.
I tell you right now..... I'm past cracking... I'm done... If this is what God was waiting for then I'm here I'm cracking and it's time for him to carry me.

I have an Orientation tomorrow at the Employment department and I'm hoping they give me some help on re-training or schooling. We need the help and I need to find a new career.

I'm done venting. I do feel, that SSDI should have approved me but since they didn't what am I gonna do...lay down and Die!!!!! Not a chance....

Why does it have to be this hard?????

OK so we are trying to get caught up and money is just not meeting what we need it to. So, today in the mail shut off notices. I'm so sick of this. I'm trying but I can't fix this and I can't fix myself. Why does it have to be this hard?
I'm so tired of all the crap....Life sucks !

New Update!!!

Wednesday is my birthday Woopidy do!!!! I'm not excited because nothings going to happen. No cards, presents, cake..... My hubbies out of town. I sound pathetic don't I. It's not about all the gifts and stuff. I'm down because who is here to acknowledge it? Last year was the first time since my mom was alive that I had a birthday cake...Thanks to Derek and his Mom. It was wonderful. I liked it so much. I miss my mom. She always made our birthdays all about us. It felt good to have cake with the family and even blow out the candles....
Oh well, Life goes on.
I have an all day seminar on that day. So I will be busy. Hopefully they can help me re-train for another job, maybe in healthcare.
I'm back on anti-seizure meds. This is a good thing but now I'm having trouble completing thoughts and sentences. If this post sounds random and mixed up that's why...
The sun has been out now for three days. Saturday we went to the fountains and the kids ran through. Sunday we pulled weeds and grass and had a water fight. I love acting like a kid....
All in all things are OK...Just trying to find a way to pay the bills and keep up with day to day life.

Back in the Hospital....YUCK!

It was a great day here at the "White House" and we were all outside enjoying the weather. I was sitting on our bench and then it hit. I was seeing stars and then the double vision hit. I just felt weird. All I remember was my husband telling me to go lay down and nothing else. I made it to the couch, mumbling crazy incoherent (sp) things and don't even remember it. Derek was asking me some questions and I wasn't responding. The lights were on and no one was home. I just don't get it.....
He rushed me the the ER and low and behold I had another seizure.... My head was pounding so bad that I felt like my right eye was being squeezed with someones fist. They gave me a CT scan and called in my scans from Maryland. They also gave me Dillated and Benedryll and Zophran.
Well, I was released...(big surprise) and told to call my NS and see a PC....Hard to do with no insurance.... I am going to go to the County Health Department today to see about getting on the meds. I'm still waiting for the state to call me back and tell me if I can get approved on medical.
I know why this happened and I know that I am supposed to be on meds. I need to try to stay calm in the event of undo stress. Everytime I stress out I have one. It's horrible, but with all of the new stress it was bound to happen.

I think it's time that we all write e-mails to the President again. I'm so sick of scraping by and wondering why. We all need medical insurance and if we can't afford it this is supposed to be there for us. Why is it that our tax money and the relief money isn't going where it should. This country is falling apart and fast. Businesses going under and more people are homeless....Oregon has one of the Highest unemployment rates and they give us money to build a new bridge....claiming that it will create job...Big clue!!!!! Not all of us can do construction... What a joke. They also gave Oregon money to Dredge the Columbia river.... That isn't going to give me a chance at a job either. What a joke....
They say that for every job opening there are at least 100-200 applicants. College graduates are working at Mc Donalds. Why don't we worry less about what's going on in other countries and try to take care of our own.
Sorry to vent, I just hate the way the government is spending the "relief" money....

I'm doing OK now. I was in bed all day yesterday and still have a little headache today. Such is the life of a brain tumor patient.

Spring weather and a new Spirit!

For the last two days we have had 55 degree weather and no rain. I took full advantage of this and mowed the lawn, weeded and trimmed back the hedges. I am absolutely bushed.
I'm happy to report that my Hydrangeas made it...all three (my favorites next to lilacs). Someday I will have a whole mess of lilac trees in my yard. This is my dream.
My trees are blooming and most of my grass survived. I was worried because our winter was so bad. We haven't seen a winter like this in 60 years. When I wonder through the neighborhood I see people pulling all kinds of dead plants out of their yards. I thought for sure my plants were toast. Even my Baby Japanese Maple survived.
Spring is in the air and the flowers are blooming. It is bringing new life to the "White House"...Even my boys jumped in for some good hard work.
I saw a movie and there was a quote in it I really liked.
What sound does a blooming flower make? It doesn't need to make a sound to know it's pretty, it just is.
Of coarse it was in one of my kids' movies but I still liked it.
There's something to be said about giving energy both negative and positive to things. I've given these tumors so much negative energy that I think now is the time to start with some positive. I'm going to try to embrace the Spring and Summer weather with a new positive attitude about everything.

Maryland Trip

First I have to say a great big THANK YOU to my sister in law Laura for putting up with me and helping me to be not so confused and to find my way. Also, Thank you for helping me step outside of my box...I love you!!!!
I also want to thank everyone who helped get us over there. I couldn't have done it without you and when you read on you will see just how important this trip really was so....
THANK YOU SO MUCH FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!!!!!!!
We flew in so late on Sunday and our cab ride from the airport was almost $100.00....HOLY CRUD!!! We almost passed out..... We got to the hotel only to find out that no one over there believes in French Vanilla Coffee Creamer....hmmmm right there we should have turned and run but we didn't. We stuck it out.....
The first day was a killer. I had to check in with admissions at 7 and off to testing after.
Blood work
MRI's...3 then
Clinic....done by 5pm...YUK!!!!
Day two....
Hearing and balance....woo hoo kind of fun....7 hours
Day three....ENT... Eye doc and then my eyes were dialated...double YUK!!! 7hours
Day four....Time to go home but not before nurses clinic... and I got to see my New Neuroseurgeon Dr. Ashtegari...

What we found:
A new cyst in my sinuses small but we will monitor.
A new tumor in my left auditory canal small and we will monitor
Two new tumors in my spine, again small and monitoring.

They accepted me into this clinical study. What this means for me is that they are taking on all of my medical bills. testing, surgeries and travel expenses for this. They are the best of the best when it comes to my disorder and I am in good hands.

A new worry. I found out that I am a spontaneous case. I developed this in my mommys tummy when the cells split about the 4th time which means that my children have either a 1 in 2 chance of getting this or a 1 in 4 chance. Scary but at least I have done my research and I know who to call and where to go. I can monitor them and watch for the signs. They will be accepted into the NIH on the same deal as me if they have this too. That made me feel better.

All in all this was a good informative trip. I feel good about going and I know that this is the right place for me to be with my disorder. They really know their stuff.

Thanks again to everyong for all of your nice thoughts and prayers and all of your help with the fundraiser. I really appreciate it. YOU ALL ROCK!!!!!

What a week....

At the beginning of the week Derek's Great Grandma Mimi passed away. She didn't like being called grandma but she was one incredible lady. The last time I was able to spend time with her was when we were getting ready for Mom's wedding and we were making the party favors. It was an assembly line. She filled I wrapped and Dottie tied. I had so much fun. She was an incredible woman and I'm just sorry that I didn't get the chance to have lunch with her where she lived. Derek and I told her we would and we didn't. We just live too far away or weren't down there long enough to be able to visit. And then you have the whole rule "no semi-trucks allowed" I could go on but I dig into the real reason at the end of my blog.
At 1:45am I got a phone call from Derek and he told me that Grandma Juanita passed away. She was the type of woman who always looked fabulous. She would grab your hand when talking to you and you never saw her without her lipstick. Her smile went for miles and you could feel it before you even walked into the room. She let me into her heart and into her family. She is the one who gave permission for Derek and I to get married. She would tell me stories of all her husbands and how she missed all of them. She would point to pictures on the wall and tell me who they were. She has family pictures all over her walls.

This week is a rough one to say the least. I can't imagine what Derek's Mom, Grandma Dottie, sister and Tom are going through right now. I was only graced with knowing them for such a short period of time and I feel like such a great loss has hit our house, and it has. They've known them their whole lives and to not have them anymore is the same as not having my mom.

I think that our society moves too fast and doesn't take time to stop and make time for family. Life isn't always easy. It's not handed to us and we can't always expect things to be a cake walk. We need to work for what we want and we also need to stop and smell the roses. We need to spend quality time with loved ones and enjoy what God has given us. We are not going to be around forever. We need to make the most of the time we have today.

Stop running the "Rat Race"! Stop Chasing your tail. Start walking and skip once in a while. Give an extra hug, just because. Call a friend or loved one just to say Hi! Not just on the holidays.... Make time for them and in the long run you are making time for yourself. Only then are you truly living.....