Monday, October 20, 2008

I Need to get Control back quick

I need to regain control of my life. It's my body. I tell it what to do and I tell it whether it can be sick or not. I tell it if it can be tired or if it's going to have a bad day. Mind over matter.

Life is all about choices....or so I thought.....
I did not chose this....I don't want it....Who wants brain tumors? If anyone answered yes I can give you some of mine, I have plenty.

I just want to scream.........

I want to be happy and positive like I was before surgery. I want to have that feeling again like I have control over what is going on with my body. I want to heal and be normal and have a doctor tell me that I am healed....... I want to be the miracle case. I want to be the one who changes the coarse of history so that my children don't have to repeat it. I don't want them to have this or go through it.
Matthew had another headache today. Probably caused by playing too many video games but it scares the crap out of me. I could, potentially, pass this on to my boys. My legacy to them is brain tumors. Oh and lets not forget the added seizures, numbness, paralyses, and possible death. WOW! What a great mom I am. This is truly what is killing me.
I know in my heart that I didn't do this intentionally. I never asked for this, nor would I wish this on my worst enemy. I just can't get it out of my head. Every time I look at my boys I think about it. I wonder if they could have this. If I passed it on to them. I'm really scared.
I'm scared to die before seeing them grow up, before growing old. I look forward to seeing my mom and grandpa in heaven don't get me wrong but I am scared to have someone else raise my boys. I had them, they are my responsibility, they are my life.
I guess that if I want to get the control back then I need to start by putting one foot in front of the other. I need to get out there and start trying to rehabilitate myself so that I can start working again. I need to volunteer and be productive. I need to help find a cure for this disease. I need those doctors to study me so they can find a cure. I want to help so that my boys have a chance, so my nieces and nephew have a chance. So that everyone who is diagnosed with this has a chance, including me.
I may not sound OK but I am. I wake up and take it one day at a time. I thank God for giving me one more day. I look around and I am thankful. I am trying to stay as strong as possible for my family. I think that I need someone to be strong for me sometimes.

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