Thursday, October 16, 2008

My Legacy.....Is there anyone out there?

Do I have one? I'm supposed to be in the prime of my life. I'm supposed to be enjoying myself and my kids. I want to plan family vacations and plan for Christmas Break. I want to ENJOY myself. So, why can't I?
I am fighting a war in my head right now. A depression of will, Man vs beast. This beast is now taking over my happiness. It is bleeding over into my children's lives. What good am I right now? I can't work, I'm fighting to survive, I have nothing to leave my children in case something happens to me and I don't have a clear plan on what to do. I am stuck in the middle of a twisting tornado and it is finally coming to a head that this is almost too much to bear.
I need to find someone to write my story for my boys and my family. Maybe it will help someone else going through this. How many people can actually say they have more than 15-20 brain tumors? And after all of that, how many of them can still walk and talk? I'm not sure why I'm complaining. I want my life to be simple, plain, no frills. I want to enjoy the sunrises and sunsets and the sound of the trees blowing in the wind. I want to talk to my husband without snapping or having a snide comment or yelling. I want to laugh until I cry with my kids and not just cry for them. I want to be me again. The fun loving energetic crafty girl who love to run through sprinklers and play hide and go seek. The one who used to jump in the car with the kids for no reason and just drive to the beach or the falls. I want my smile back. I'm tired of worrying all the time and I'm tired of feeling like everything is my fault because I got sick. Tired of feeling like I just want to run away......
My family was just here. My aunt and uncle. I tried to put on a happy face for them. I tried to show them that I was OK, that we were OK. They must think that I am completely losing it. All I wanted to do was enjoy the time I had with them but I was constantly reminded of our money problems and all of the bad shit going on at the house. WHY???? Why couldn't I just be left to enjoy my favorite Uncle. Why couldn't I be left to be normal for once. Step outside for a bit. Forget about all of the crap for just one minute. Remember what it was like to be just me, Kelly, not Kelly with the brain tumors who is causing our family to spiral down into a financial explosion. Yes, in the same sentence as all of our bill and repairs and everything else comes Kelly's illness, disease, etc.....
It's no wonder all I want to do is sleep anymore. It's no wonder I cry all the time and its no wonder that this is the only place that I feel I am able to let all of my feeling out to.

On a lighter note, I was given a link to a study done by some place overseas and it found that this organic stuff called Propolis BIO 30 has been shown to shrink tumors in the brain caused by NF2. Pretty cool. I e-mailed them in hopes that I can get the information back and be able to purchase it. It's derived from Bee Hives and Plant extracts and is sold in New Zealand. Wish me luck as I am on my way to a better place.

It does make me feel better to get everything out on here. I am normally a pretty positive person and I don't cry in front of my boys. I am off to tackle the house today and laundry. I want to venture up to JoAnn Fabrics and get some Halloween Decorations with my gift card. I have parent teacher conferences today and a date with my boys tonight to make Ghoulishly delicious cake. Hopefully we are able to make some decorations too...... Thanks for listening to all. I am OK just to let you know. If I didn't get it all out I wouldn't be OK..... I do want to find someone to write my story....

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