Sunday, October 26, 2008

I took two steps back this time

A seizure.....Yes you heard me right. You know, it doesn't seem fair that this is happening when all I want to do is get better and get back to work. All that I can think of is how scared I am to do this.
I am scared of having a seizure at work. I'm scared that I won't be able to do it. I am scared that I am not myself. I am striving to be normal and I'm finding that just by doing that it is putting more stress on me.
Now, I do have my normal stresses. Bills, Health, Kids, Family, ME. How about one weekend just for me. One weekend where all we do is have fun and laugh and nothing is said or mentioned about my tumors or my disorder. Not a word about me being sick. Not a word about the bills or money or anything. Just me and some close friends and a couple of bottles of wine. We could play cards and have fun. I really don't think this is too much to ask for.
I'm so tired of crying all the time. I'm so tired of worrying whether this next MRI is going to turn out OK or when they "Up" my meds what are the reactions going to be. I'm so tired of living my life around this. I want to start to enjoy myself. I want to smile again.
I don't want to be blamed for our situation anymore and I don't want to blame myself.

As you can see I have taken two steps back. I wasn't anticipating a seizure. I actually felt so good that entire day. I went to visit some old co-workers and came home and cleaned the house. Maybe I just over did it but I felt good. I got all of my medical bills in order and even called them to set up payment arrangements. Then the kids came home from school and Boom!!!! I couldn't talk, I couldn't keep my eyes open. I sat down and slept for about 30 minutes and I felt better. My youngest said I was talking funny.
That night I woke up and I had bit my cheek and tongue.

Today my head hurts again. I'm so tired of this. I'm also tired of being so negative so that needs to change. I am trying to remember by starting and ending my day looking in the mirror saying I love myself. I do find that I do this a lot throughout the day.

I am doing good. I will update everyone on my appointment with the Neurologist on Tuesday. She will let me know about my meds and work and such.

"Good Things Come To Those Who Wait" I love that quote......

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