Tuesday, October 21, 2008

One step forward Three steps back

Did you ever want to just crawl into a hole and disappear? Yesterday was a good day for the most part. I got a lot off my chest and was paying bills and kicking butt and then BOOM!!!! It hits this morning. Bad news.
Now I can take it like any other person but come on....first thing in the morning. I hate that phone call. And to top it off it affects me directly because as a mom we tend to put ourselves last....well guess who's going without their meds. But, at least my boys are fed. I'm ready for a new game plan. A new way for me to tackle this because I can't do it this way anymore.
Why did I have to get this disease. I mean it totally could have been anything else and we could be blaming it on that right now and not on me and my lack of working or lack of contributing or lack of whatever. I'm so sick of it. It's always my fault, or my tumors.
When do we start taking responsibility for our own actions and just say OK it's because of us not because of my sickness or anything else. I didn't cause this by myself, it was a joint effort. All this time I have been so worried about my family and how they would react to my illness I should have just kept it to myself and let it run it's coarse. At least then we couldn't blame it on that.
Blame is wrong in any sense of the meaning. It hurts. I didn't do this intentionally. I hurt everyday because my children have to suffer but they don't know it. I'm home everyday and I spend so much time with them because I want to see everything about them. I want to watch them grow and don't want to miss a thing. They do get sick of me though.
Today I am going to try Yoga. I am going to try to meditate and come up with a solution to my problem.
Have a good day everyone!

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