May 22, 2009
14 years ago
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The ability to heal yourself is within yourself....
Hmmmmm?????
This statement has always puzzled me. I mean I know I feel better when I feel good about myself. I feel great when the people that I'm surrounded by are happy go lucky. I don't like this complainer person that I've become lately.....
The last couple of days have been a huge eye opener for me. I had a seizure (maybe not according to my Neurologist), had an emotional breakdown, and had an EEG. Now, with the three comes one good, I got accepted into the clinical study that I wanted to. They are going to fly me to Bethesda, MD twice a year starting in January. They will run all kinds of tests at their cost. I will in turn get to take copies to my NS and he can use those. If they find another study that will benefit me they will give me the opportunity to join. This is going to save us tons of money and give me access to worlds of information that I could only dream about obtaining. These doctors are the best of the best, as my NS put it. He actually trained with the head NS in charge at the NINDS. I'm pretty excited about this.
So, things are starting to look up. My meds are upped. I'm sleeping a little more. My mood is getting better my life is going to turn around. Communication is going to be my goal from hear on out. I will voice myself more to my doctors and to my family. They all deserve to know exactly how I feel when I'm feeling it. There's no reason I need to be going through this alone and there's no reason for me to be strong all the time. I have feelings too and I need to talk about them too.
So, many of you know this is my new normal. I will have my symptoms for the rest of my life. They will not get better only funnier (worse). I need to adapt my life to them.
New symptoms since surgery:
*slurred speech (occasionally)
*extreme fatigue
*blank stares/lost in thought with no thoughts
*short term memory loss
*headaches
*burning sensation across forehead
*loss of balance occasionally
*tired(not the same as the fatigue)
I know there's more but I just can't think of it right now. I have been battling a bit of depression too.
I am giving myself the goal to adapt to my new normal and try to enjoy the comedy in it. It's all I can do. I will continue to wake up every morning and tell myself that I love and respect myself just the way I am. I will start my days with morning hugs and kisses from my boys. I will find beauty in every moment.
This statement has always puzzled me. I mean I know I feel better when I feel good about myself. I feel great when the people that I'm surrounded by are happy go lucky. I don't like this complainer person that I've become lately.....
The last couple of days have been a huge eye opener for me. I had a seizure (maybe not according to my Neurologist), had an emotional breakdown, and had an EEG. Now, with the three comes one good, I got accepted into the clinical study that I wanted to. They are going to fly me to Bethesda, MD twice a year starting in January. They will run all kinds of tests at their cost. I will in turn get to take copies to my NS and he can use those. If they find another study that will benefit me they will give me the opportunity to join. This is going to save us tons of money and give me access to worlds of information that I could only dream about obtaining. These doctors are the best of the best, as my NS put it. He actually trained with the head NS in charge at the NINDS. I'm pretty excited about this.
So, things are starting to look up. My meds are upped. I'm sleeping a little more. My mood is getting better my life is going to turn around. Communication is going to be my goal from hear on out. I will voice myself more to my doctors and to my family. They all deserve to know exactly how I feel when I'm feeling it. There's no reason I need to be going through this alone and there's no reason for me to be strong all the time. I have feelings too and I need to talk about them too.
So, many of you know this is my new normal. I will have my symptoms for the rest of my life. They will not get better only funnier (worse). I need to adapt my life to them.
New symptoms since surgery:
*slurred speech (occasionally)
*extreme fatigue
*blank stares/lost in thought with no thoughts
*short term memory loss
*headaches
*burning sensation across forehead
*loss of balance occasionally
*tired(not the same as the fatigue)
I know there's more but I just can't think of it right now. I have been battling a bit of depression too.
I am giving myself the goal to adapt to my new normal and try to enjoy the comedy in it. It's all I can do. I will continue to wake up every morning and tell myself that I love and respect myself just the way I am. I will start my days with morning hugs and kisses from my boys. I will find beauty in every moment.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
New information on Seizures....
Author: FT Mangano, AE McBride, and SJ Schneider
Brain tumors are a common cause of epilepsy in adults. More than one-third of the 35,000 patients per year with newly diagnosed brain tumors develop epileptic seizures. If the tumor involves the cerebral hemispheres, seizures occur in at least 50% of cases.17,18
Some predictive factors for seizure occurrence include:81,83
tumor location in the frontal or parietal regions
evidence of cerebral hemispheric dysfunction
incomplete tumor resection
Any brain tumor, benign or malignant, common or uncommon, can cause seizures.19–23 Those more highly associated with the development of epilepsy include:83,88
melanoma
hemorrhagic lesions
multiple metastases
slowly growing primary tumors
tumors near the Rolandic fissure
Patients with low-grade tumors may be more likely to develop epilepsy, possibly because their longer survival allows more time for seizures to develop.81 One retrospective study found a median interval of 8 weeks between diagnosis of a brain tumor and a first seizure.83
The tumors most often presenting with seizures in adults are:24–30
dysembryoplastic neuroepithelial tumors (DNETs) 90-100
ganglioglioma59
glioblastoma multiforme34
low-grade astrocytoma69
meningioma27
metastatic tumors41
oligodendroglioma70-90
Epilepsy in children is associated with brain tumors less often than in adults. Tumors still must be ruled out, however, even if the child has no neurologic deficits.32–34 If a tumor is diagnosed, up to 46% of these patients may have intractable seizures.32,35,36 Most tumors occur in the temporal or frontal lobes. As in adults, epileptogenic brain tumors in children may be benign or malignant. The most common tumors associated with epilepsy in children are:30,36–38
gangliogliomas
low-grade astrocytomas
DNETs
oligodendrogliomas
OK, so you may be asking why did I post this. My doctor thinks I'm nuts. She doesn't think that I had a seizure at all. She just thinks that this is the way my life is going to go. She did order an EEG for tomorrow morning and then I go back to see her again in two weeks. I asked her if this is going to be the norm for me and she said yes, the new normal. I asked her if I'm looking more at Quality vs Quantity now and she also said yes. So, here I am. Now what? I started crying in her office. I told her I want to go back to work but that I'm scared. I'm scared to have a seizure or to slur my words or forget my way. She asked me if I applied for SSDI yet and I told her yes. She said good. One thing that I need to understand is that Neurologists and Neurosurgeons don't really have personalities. They are extremely smart but no real people skills.
I go in for an EEG tomorrow morning to see if I am having any detectable seizures and then back to my Neurologist in two weeks to see the results. I really don't know what I'm hoping for.
Brain tumors are a common cause of epilepsy in adults. More than one-third of the 35,000 patients per year with newly diagnosed brain tumors develop epileptic seizures. If the tumor involves the cerebral hemispheres, seizures occur in at least 50% of cases.17,18
Some predictive factors for seizure occurrence include:81,83
tumor location in the frontal or parietal regions
evidence of cerebral hemispheric dysfunction
incomplete tumor resection
Any brain tumor, benign or malignant, common or uncommon, can cause seizures.19–23 Those more highly associated with the development of epilepsy include:83,88
melanoma
hemorrhagic lesions
multiple metastases
slowly growing primary tumors
tumors near the Rolandic fissure
Patients with low-grade tumors may be more likely to develop epilepsy, possibly because their longer survival allows more time for seizures to develop.81 One retrospective study found a median interval of 8 weeks between diagnosis of a brain tumor and a first seizure.83
The tumors most often presenting with seizures in adults are:24–30
dysembryoplastic neuroepithelial tumors (DNETs) 90-100
ganglioglioma59
glioblastoma multiforme34
low-grade astrocytoma69
meningioma27
metastatic tumors41
oligodendroglioma70-90
Epilepsy in children is associated with brain tumors less often than in adults. Tumors still must be ruled out, however, even if the child has no neurologic deficits.32–34 If a tumor is diagnosed, up to 46% of these patients may have intractable seizures.32,35,36 Most tumors occur in the temporal or frontal lobes. As in adults, epileptogenic brain tumors in children may be benign or malignant. The most common tumors associated with epilepsy in children are:30,36–38
gangliogliomas
low-grade astrocytomas
DNETs
oligodendrogliomas
OK, so you may be asking why did I post this. My doctor thinks I'm nuts. She doesn't think that I had a seizure at all. She just thinks that this is the way my life is going to go. She did order an EEG for tomorrow morning and then I go back to see her again in two weeks. I asked her if this is going to be the norm for me and she said yes, the new normal. I asked her if I'm looking more at Quality vs Quantity now and she also said yes. So, here I am. Now what? I started crying in her office. I told her I want to go back to work but that I'm scared. I'm scared to have a seizure or to slur my words or forget my way. She asked me if I applied for SSDI yet and I told her yes. She said good. One thing that I need to understand is that Neurologists and Neurosurgeons don't really have personalities. They are extremely smart but no real people skills.
I go in for an EEG tomorrow morning to see if I am having any detectable seizures and then back to my Neurologist in two weeks to see the results. I really don't know what I'm hoping for.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Neurofibromatosis Type 2
Wikipedia Definition of NF2:
Neurofibromatosis Type II (or "MISME Syndrome", for "Multiple Inherited Schwannomas, Meningiomas, and Ependymomas") is an inherited disease. The main manifestation of the disease is the development of symmetric, non-malignant brain tumours in the region of the cranial nerve VIII, which is the auditory-vestibular nerve that transmits sensory information from the inner ear to the brain. Most people with this condition also experience problems in their eyes. NF II is caused by mutations of the "Merlin" gene, which, it seems, influences the form and movement of cells. The principal treatments consist of neurosurgical removal of the tumors and surgical treatment of the eye lesions. There is no therapy for the underlying disorder of cell function caused by the genetic mutation.
OK, True definition right there, lets take it a step further. They removed four Meningiomas on August 25 so her is that definition from the same source:
Meningiomas are the most common benign tumors of the brain (95% of benign tumors). However they can also be malignant.[1] They arise from the arachnoidal cap cells of the meninges and represent about 15% of all primary brain tumors. They are more common in females than in males (2:1) and have a peak incidence in the sixth and seventh decades. Most cases are sporadic while some are familial. There has been some evidence that persons who have undergone radiation to the scalp are more at risk for developing meningiomas. The most frequent genetic mutations involved in meningiomas are inactivation mutations in the Neurofibromatosis 2 gene (merlin) on chromosome 22q.
A number of studies have linked the slow growing Meningiomas tumor to exposure to certain weed killers, herbicides and pesticides typically used in farming. Women are at a particularly increased risk if they have been exposed to these chemicals for a number of years whereas men with exposure to these chemicals show no increased risk for brain cancer.[2]
Another type of tumor that I have is a Vestibular Schwannoma. Here is the definition for that from Wikipedia:
A schwannoma is a kind of tumor originating from the Schwann cells. The insulating myelin sheath which covers peripheral nerves is produced by the Schwann cells. Hence, one kind of tumor originating from the Schwann cells is called a schwannoma.
Schwannomas are very homogeneous tumors consisting only of Schwann cells. The tumor cells always stay on the outside of the nerve, but the tumor itself may either push the nerve aside and/or up against a bony structure (thereby possibly causing damage). Schwannomas are relatively slow growing. For reasons not yet understood, schwannomas are mostly benign and less than 1% become malignant (degenerate into cancer). This form of cancer is known as malignant peripheral nerve sheath tumour or malignant Schwannoma or neurofibrosarcoma.
Schwannomas can arise from a genetic disorder called neurofibromatosis.
schwannomas can be removed from the nerve but can also come back.
And then you have the information that I found on the NINDS website that states:
What is Neurofibromatosis?The neurofibromatoses are genetic disorders of the nervous system that primarily affect the development and growth of neural (nerve) cell tissues. These disorders cause tumors to grow on nerves and produce other abnormalities such as skin changes and bone deformities. Although many affected persons inherit the disorder, between 30 and 50 percent of new cases arise spontaneously through mutation (change) in an individual's genes. Once this change has taken place, the mutant gene can be passed on to succeeding generations. Scientists have classified the disorders as neurofibromatosis type 1 (NF1) and neurofibromatosis type 2 (NF2). NF1 is the more common type of the neurofibromatoses. In diagnosing NF1, a physician looks for changes in skin appearance, tumors, or bone abnormalities, and/or a parent, sibling, or child with NF1. Symptoms of NF1, particularly those on the skin, are often evident at birth or during infancy and almost always by the time a child is about 10 years old. NF2 is less common. NF2 is characterized by bilateral (occurring on both sides of the body) tumors on the eighth cranial nerve. The tumors cause pressure damage to neighboring nerves. To determine whether an individual has NF2, a physician looks for bilateral eighth nerve tumors and similar signs and symptoms in a parent, sibling, or child. Affected individuals may notice hearing loss as early as the teen years. Other early symptoms may include tinnitus (ringing noise in the ear) and poor balance. Headache, facial pain, or facial numbness, caused by pressure from the tumors, may also occur.
Is there any treatment?
Treatments for both NF1 and NF2 are presently aimed at controlling symptoms. Surgery can help some NF1 bone malformations and remove painful or disfiguring tumors; however, there is a chance that the tumors may grow back and in greater numbers. In the rare instances when tumors become malignant (3 to 5 percent of all cases), treatment may include surgery, radiation, or chemotherapy. For NF2, improved diagnostic technologies, such as MRI, can reveal tumors as small as a few millimeters in diameter, thus allowing early treatment. Surgery to remove tumors completely is one option but may result in hearing loss. Other options include partial removal of tumors, radiation, and if the tumors are not progressing rapidly, the conservative approach of watchful waiting. Genetic testing is available for families with documented cases of NF1 and NF2. New (spontaneous) mutations cannot be confirmed genetically. Prenatal diagnosis of familial NF1 or NF2 is also possible utilizing amniocentesis or chorionic villus sampling procedures.
What is the prognosis?
In most cases, symptoms of NF1 are mild, and patients live normal and productive lives. In some cases, however, NF1 can be severely debilitating. In some cases of NF2, the damage to nearby vital structures, such as other cranial nerves and the brainstem, can be life-threatening.
This last part is what scares me the most. I guess you can do all the research you want, read all of the books, study, learn and still the outcome is that. So, what do I want?
I want to be a part of a study that is going to take a closer look into this disorder and into my family. I want them to study me and to see if I passed it on. I want to help them find a cure so that no one else has to ever go through this. I want to do my part.
I need to show my boys that I gave enough of a damn to give it my all to help find a cure so they didn't have to go through this. I want to show my family how all it takes is one person to say "Hey, this isn't going to get me down".
The anniversary of my mom passing is coming up. This time of year is pretty difficult on all of us without adding the strain of all of this. The doctors don't tell you anything unless you ask the questions. I want so badly to ask is this going to be my normal? Do you foresee me living a long life?
I am researching right now my options for radiation, more surgery, gamma knife, cyber knife etc.... So many options.
First things first, I need to figure out how to pay for my medical premiums. 1100.00 and then a whopping 230.00 a month from here on. A rip off if you ask me, but I can't live without it.
Neurofibromatosis Type II (or "MISME Syndrome", for "Multiple Inherited Schwannomas, Meningiomas, and Ependymomas") is an inherited disease. The main manifestation of the disease is the development of symmetric, non-malignant brain tumours in the region of the cranial nerve VIII, which is the auditory-vestibular nerve that transmits sensory information from the inner ear to the brain. Most people with this condition also experience problems in their eyes. NF II is caused by mutations of the "Merlin" gene, which, it seems, influences the form and movement of cells. The principal treatments consist of neurosurgical removal of the tumors and surgical treatment of the eye lesions. There is no therapy for the underlying disorder of cell function caused by the genetic mutation.
OK, True definition right there, lets take it a step further. They removed four Meningiomas on August 25 so her is that definition from the same source:
Meningiomas are the most common benign tumors of the brain (95% of benign tumors). However they can also be malignant.[1] They arise from the arachnoidal cap cells of the meninges and represent about 15% of all primary brain tumors. They are more common in females than in males (2:1) and have a peak incidence in the sixth and seventh decades. Most cases are sporadic while some are familial. There has been some evidence that persons who have undergone radiation to the scalp are more at risk for developing meningiomas. The most frequent genetic mutations involved in meningiomas are inactivation mutations in the Neurofibromatosis 2 gene (merlin) on chromosome 22q.
A number of studies have linked the slow growing Meningiomas tumor to exposure to certain weed killers, herbicides and pesticides typically used in farming. Women are at a particularly increased risk if they have been exposed to these chemicals for a number of years whereas men with exposure to these chemicals show no increased risk for brain cancer.[2]
Another type of tumor that I have is a Vestibular Schwannoma. Here is the definition for that from Wikipedia:
A schwannoma is a kind of tumor originating from the Schwann cells. The insulating myelin sheath which covers peripheral nerves is produced by the Schwann cells. Hence, one kind of tumor originating from the Schwann cells is called a schwannoma.
Schwannomas are very homogeneous tumors consisting only of Schwann cells. The tumor cells always stay on the outside of the nerve, but the tumor itself may either push the nerve aside and/or up against a bony structure (thereby possibly causing damage). Schwannomas are relatively slow growing. For reasons not yet understood, schwannomas are mostly benign and less than 1% become malignant (degenerate into cancer). This form of cancer is known as malignant peripheral nerve sheath tumour or malignant Schwannoma or neurofibrosarcoma.
Schwannomas can arise from a genetic disorder called neurofibromatosis.
schwannomas can be removed from the nerve but can also come back.
And then you have the information that I found on the NINDS website that states:
What is Neurofibromatosis?The neurofibromatoses are genetic disorders of the nervous system that primarily affect the development and growth of neural (nerve) cell tissues. These disorders cause tumors to grow on nerves and produce other abnormalities such as skin changes and bone deformities. Although many affected persons inherit the disorder, between 30 and 50 percent of new cases arise spontaneously through mutation (change) in an individual's genes. Once this change has taken place, the mutant gene can be passed on to succeeding generations. Scientists have classified the disorders as neurofibromatosis type 1 (NF1) and neurofibromatosis type 2 (NF2). NF1 is the more common type of the neurofibromatoses. In diagnosing NF1, a physician looks for changes in skin appearance, tumors, or bone abnormalities, and/or a parent, sibling, or child with NF1. Symptoms of NF1, particularly those on the skin, are often evident at birth or during infancy and almost always by the time a child is about 10 years old. NF2 is less common. NF2 is characterized by bilateral (occurring on both sides of the body) tumors on the eighth cranial nerve. The tumors cause pressure damage to neighboring nerves. To determine whether an individual has NF2, a physician looks for bilateral eighth nerve tumors and similar signs and symptoms in a parent, sibling, or child. Affected individuals may notice hearing loss as early as the teen years. Other early symptoms may include tinnitus (ringing noise in the ear) and poor balance. Headache, facial pain, or facial numbness, caused by pressure from the tumors, may also occur.
Is there any treatment?
Treatments for both NF1 and NF2 are presently aimed at controlling symptoms. Surgery can help some NF1 bone malformations and remove painful or disfiguring tumors; however, there is a chance that the tumors may grow back and in greater numbers. In the rare instances when tumors become malignant (3 to 5 percent of all cases), treatment may include surgery, radiation, or chemotherapy. For NF2, improved diagnostic technologies, such as MRI, can reveal tumors as small as a few millimeters in diameter, thus allowing early treatment. Surgery to remove tumors completely is one option but may result in hearing loss. Other options include partial removal of tumors, radiation, and if the tumors are not progressing rapidly, the conservative approach of watchful waiting. Genetic testing is available for families with documented cases of NF1 and NF2. New (spontaneous) mutations cannot be confirmed genetically. Prenatal diagnosis of familial NF1 or NF2 is also possible utilizing amniocentesis or chorionic villus sampling procedures.
What is the prognosis?
In most cases, symptoms of NF1 are mild, and patients live normal and productive lives. In some cases, however, NF1 can be severely debilitating. In some cases of NF2, the damage to nearby vital structures, such as other cranial nerves and the brainstem, can be life-threatening.
This last part is what scares me the most. I guess you can do all the research you want, read all of the books, study, learn and still the outcome is that. So, what do I want?
I want to be a part of a study that is going to take a closer look into this disorder and into my family. I want them to study me and to see if I passed it on. I want to help them find a cure so that no one else has to ever go through this. I want to do my part.
I need to show my boys that I gave enough of a damn to give it my all to help find a cure so they didn't have to go through this. I want to show my family how all it takes is one person to say "Hey, this isn't going to get me down".
The anniversary of my mom passing is coming up. This time of year is pretty difficult on all of us without adding the strain of all of this. The doctors don't tell you anything unless you ask the questions. I want so badly to ask is this going to be my normal? Do you foresee me living a long life?
I am researching right now my options for radiation, more surgery, gamma knife, cyber knife etc.... So many options.
First things first, I need to figure out how to pay for my medical premiums. 1100.00 and then a whopping 230.00 a month from here on. A rip off if you ask me, but I can't live without it.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I took two steps back this time
A seizure.....Yes you heard me right. You know, it doesn't seem fair that this is happening when all I want to do is get better and get back to work. All that I can think of is how scared I am to do this.
I am scared of having a seizure at work. I'm scared that I won't be able to do it. I am scared that I am not myself. I am striving to be normal and I'm finding that just by doing that it is putting more stress on me.
Now, I do have my normal stresses. Bills, Health, Kids, Family, ME. How about one weekend just for me. One weekend where all we do is have fun and laugh and nothing is said or mentioned about my tumors or my disorder. Not a word about me being sick. Not a word about the bills or money or anything. Just me and some close friends and a couple of bottles of wine. We could play cards and have fun. I really don't think this is too much to ask for.
I'm so tired of crying all the time. I'm so tired of worrying whether this next MRI is going to turn out OK or when they "Up" my meds what are the reactions going to be. I'm so tired of living my life around this. I want to start to enjoy myself. I want to smile again.
I don't want to be blamed for our situation anymore and I don't want to blame myself.
As you can see I have taken two steps back. I wasn't anticipating a seizure. I actually felt so good that entire day. I went to visit some old co-workers and came home and cleaned the house. Maybe I just over did it but I felt good. I got all of my medical bills in order and even called them to set up payment arrangements. Then the kids came home from school and Boom!!!! I couldn't talk, I couldn't keep my eyes open. I sat down and slept for about 30 minutes and I felt better. My youngest said I was talking funny.
That night I woke up and I had bit my cheek and tongue.
Today my head hurts again. I'm so tired of this. I'm also tired of being so negative so that needs to change. I am trying to remember by starting and ending my day looking in the mirror saying I love myself. I do find that I do this a lot throughout the day.
I am doing good. I will update everyone on my appointment with the Neurologist on Tuesday. She will let me know about my meds and work and such.
"Good Things Come To Those Who Wait" I love that quote......
I am scared of having a seizure at work. I'm scared that I won't be able to do it. I am scared that I am not myself. I am striving to be normal and I'm finding that just by doing that it is putting more stress on me.
Now, I do have my normal stresses. Bills, Health, Kids, Family, ME. How about one weekend just for me. One weekend where all we do is have fun and laugh and nothing is said or mentioned about my tumors or my disorder. Not a word about me being sick. Not a word about the bills or money or anything. Just me and some close friends and a couple of bottles of wine. We could play cards and have fun. I really don't think this is too much to ask for.
I'm so tired of crying all the time. I'm so tired of worrying whether this next MRI is going to turn out OK or when they "Up" my meds what are the reactions going to be. I'm so tired of living my life around this. I want to start to enjoy myself. I want to smile again.
I don't want to be blamed for our situation anymore and I don't want to blame myself.
As you can see I have taken two steps back. I wasn't anticipating a seizure. I actually felt so good that entire day. I went to visit some old co-workers and came home and cleaned the house. Maybe I just over did it but I felt good. I got all of my medical bills in order and even called them to set up payment arrangements. Then the kids came home from school and Boom!!!! I couldn't talk, I couldn't keep my eyes open. I sat down and slept for about 30 minutes and I felt better. My youngest said I was talking funny.
That night I woke up and I had bit my cheek and tongue.
Today my head hurts again. I'm so tired of this. I'm also tired of being so negative so that needs to change. I am trying to remember by starting and ending my day looking in the mirror saying I love myself. I do find that I do this a lot throughout the day.
I am doing good. I will update everyone on my appointment with the Neurologist on Tuesday. She will let me know about my meds and work and such.
"Good Things Come To Those Who Wait" I love that quote......
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
One step forward Three steps back
Did you ever want to just crawl into a hole and disappear? Yesterday was a good day for the most part. I got a lot off my chest and was paying bills and kicking butt and then BOOM!!!! It hits this morning. Bad news.
Now I can take it like any other person but come on....first thing in the morning. I hate that phone call. And to top it off it affects me directly because as a mom we tend to put ourselves last....well guess who's going without their meds. But, at least my boys are fed. I'm ready for a new game plan. A new way for me to tackle this because I can't do it this way anymore.
Why did I have to get this disease. I mean it totally could have been anything else and we could be blaming it on that right now and not on me and my lack of working or lack of contributing or lack of whatever. I'm so sick of it. It's always my fault, or my tumors.
When do we start taking responsibility for our own actions and just say OK it's because of us not because of my sickness or anything else. I didn't cause this by myself, it was a joint effort. All this time I have been so worried about my family and how they would react to my illness I should have just kept it to myself and let it run it's coarse. At least then we couldn't blame it on that.
Blame is wrong in any sense of the meaning. It hurts. I didn't do this intentionally. I hurt everyday because my children have to suffer but they don't know it. I'm home everyday and I spend so much time with them because I want to see everything about them. I want to watch them grow and don't want to miss a thing. They do get sick of me though.
Today I am going to try Yoga. I am going to try to meditate and come up with a solution to my problem.
Have a good day everyone!
Now I can take it like any other person but come on....first thing in the morning. I hate that phone call. And to top it off it affects me directly because as a mom we tend to put ourselves last....well guess who's going without their meds. But, at least my boys are fed. I'm ready for a new game plan. A new way for me to tackle this because I can't do it this way anymore.
Why did I have to get this disease. I mean it totally could have been anything else and we could be blaming it on that right now and not on me and my lack of working or lack of contributing or lack of whatever. I'm so sick of it. It's always my fault, or my tumors.
When do we start taking responsibility for our own actions and just say OK it's because of us not because of my sickness or anything else. I didn't cause this by myself, it was a joint effort. All this time I have been so worried about my family and how they would react to my illness I should have just kept it to myself and let it run it's coarse. At least then we couldn't blame it on that.
Blame is wrong in any sense of the meaning. It hurts. I didn't do this intentionally. I hurt everyday because my children have to suffer but they don't know it. I'm home everyday and I spend so much time with them because I want to see everything about them. I want to watch them grow and don't want to miss a thing. They do get sick of me though.
Today I am going to try Yoga. I am going to try to meditate and come up with a solution to my problem.
Have a good day everyone!
Monday, October 20, 2008
I Need to get Control back quick
I need to regain control of my life. It's my body. I tell it what to do and I tell it whether it can be sick or not. I tell it if it can be tired or if it's going to have a bad day. Mind over matter.
Life is all about choices....or so I thought.....
I did not chose this....I don't want it....Who wants brain tumors? If anyone answered yes I can give you some of mine, I have plenty.
ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to scream.........
I want to be happy and positive like I was before surgery. I want to have that feeling again like I have control over what is going on with my body. I want to heal and be normal and have a doctor tell me that I am healed....... I want to be the miracle case. I want to be the one who changes the coarse of history so that my children don't have to repeat it. I don't want them to have this or go through it.
Matthew had another headache today. Probably caused by playing too many video games but it scares the crap out of me. I could, potentially, pass this on to my boys. My legacy to them is brain tumors. Oh and lets not forget the added seizures, numbness, paralyses, and possible death. WOW! What a great mom I am. This is truly what is killing me.
I know in my heart that I didn't do this intentionally. I never asked for this, nor would I wish this on my worst enemy. I just can't get it out of my head. Every time I look at my boys I think about it. I wonder if they could have this. If I passed it on to them. I'm really scared.
I'm scared to die before seeing them grow up, before growing old. I look forward to seeing my mom and grandpa in heaven don't get me wrong but I am scared to have someone else raise my boys. I had them, they are my responsibility, they are my life.
I guess that if I want to get the control back then I need to start by putting one foot in front of the other. I need to get out there and start trying to rehabilitate myself so that I can start working again. I need to volunteer and be productive. I need to help find a cure for this disease. I need those doctors to study me so they can find a cure. I want to help so that my boys have a chance, so my nieces and nephew have a chance. So that everyone who is diagnosed with this has a chance, including me.
I may not sound OK but I am. I wake up and take it one day at a time. I thank God for giving me one more day. I look around and I am thankful. I am trying to stay as strong as possible for my family. I think that I need someone to be strong for me sometimes.
Life is all about choices....or so I thought.....
I did not chose this....I don't want it....Who wants brain tumors? If anyone answered yes I can give you some of mine, I have plenty.
ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to scream.........
I want to be happy and positive like I was before surgery. I want to have that feeling again like I have control over what is going on with my body. I want to heal and be normal and have a doctor tell me that I am healed....... I want to be the miracle case. I want to be the one who changes the coarse of history so that my children don't have to repeat it. I don't want them to have this or go through it.
Matthew had another headache today. Probably caused by playing too many video games but it scares the crap out of me. I could, potentially, pass this on to my boys. My legacy to them is brain tumors. Oh and lets not forget the added seizures, numbness, paralyses, and possible death. WOW! What a great mom I am. This is truly what is killing me.
I know in my heart that I didn't do this intentionally. I never asked for this, nor would I wish this on my worst enemy. I just can't get it out of my head. Every time I look at my boys I think about it. I wonder if they could have this. If I passed it on to them. I'm really scared.
I'm scared to die before seeing them grow up, before growing old. I look forward to seeing my mom and grandpa in heaven don't get me wrong but I am scared to have someone else raise my boys. I had them, they are my responsibility, they are my life.
I guess that if I want to get the control back then I need to start by putting one foot in front of the other. I need to get out there and start trying to rehabilitate myself so that I can start working again. I need to volunteer and be productive. I need to help find a cure for this disease. I need those doctors to study me so they can find a cure. I want to help so that my boys have a chance, so my nieces and nephew have a chance. So that everyone who is diagnosed with this has a chance, including me.
I may not sound OK but I am. I wake up and take it one day at a time. I thank God for giving me one more day. I look around and I am thankful. I am trying to stay as strong as possible for my family. I think that I need someone to be strong for me sometimes.
Friday, October 17, 2008
The list I wish I had before surgery
Thanks to all of my wonderful friends at meningiomamommas.org we have come up with the ultimate caregiver list. I wish that I had this before surgery.
Here Goes:
Sandy posted.....
*Please understand if I say or do something strange, I am not thinking clearly yet.
*Do not constantly remind me of what I can or cannot do. I had surgery, but did not revert back to my childhood.
*Please help me with my meds, as I might not be able to read the small print on the bottle yet.
*If you would make a meal for me, I'd love to eat somebody elses cooking.
*If I am wandering the house at 2 a.m. please don't ask me if I shouldn't be in bed. I'd love to be, but sleep comes harder for me now.
*Occasionally get me out of the house, even if it is just a ride to the Dairy Queen for a banana split.
*Let me work the television remote for a while.
*Offer to do the laundry or wash the dishes or change the bed sheets as I don't have a lot of energy right now.
*Take me to followup appointments with the doctors and take notes for me, as the memory isn't the best right now.
*Just help me get through this and I will be appreciative forever.
*Have patience.
Goldylocks added.......
* please make a chart of all my meds and help me remember to take them
* take me places, even if it is just for a car ride. cabin fever is awful on the recovery process
* do more around the house, cooking, cleaning, kids, etc.
Tammy added.......
"Go ahead and give me a call, I welcome phone calls."
"Make that meal if you want, it won't go to waste."
"I don't mind talking about my brain tumor, it even has a name."
"Let me tell you about my steroid highs."
"I know I might be over-doing it, but it helps to do things."
"Sometimes it just helps to vent."
"Tell me about work, and get my mind off things right now."
Carol you and I are one in the same......
Pleeeeeeeeaaaase, DON'T hover over me,I know you mean well, but it annoys ME. RESPECT MY PRIVACY. If I want to be left alone, leave me alone until I show up in the kitchen, again.Ignore my mood swings, the doctor messes around with my brain. It's nothing personal, it's my lack of inhabit ion.Thank You so much for giving me your time. I'll never forget it.
Diane added......
Take time for yourself. It will do us both good.Rent a movie that we will both enjoy and let's watch it together. Forgive me if I doze off.Talk to me about normal things--kids, work, sports, politics--anything that takes my mind off my worries.Stay positive even when I'm not. Attitudes are contagious.Make plans with me for something in the future whether it is dinner and a movie or a weekend trip to a favorite spot.
Kathy who's mother is the one with the M stated.....
Encourage and point out all the triumphs and victories, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.Routines are good, but be flexible for much needed rest time.Schedule time for yourself. Think of yourself as a pitcher of water, if you keep pouring out to someone else it'll empty soon - go off and fill yourself up as much as possible!Remember, no matter how difficult and frustrating it might feel for you at times, the patient does not WANT or CHOOSE to be dependent. They are dealing with physical discomforts, emotional highs and lows, beaten down spirits, feeling completely out of control, and in some cases, the residue and after effects of months of anxiety, stress and fear.
Don't Look Back....ME....posted...
*Please don't point out that we are in debt up to our ears and beyond every five seconds because of my surgery. It makes me feel guilty and is making me depressed.
*Try to remember that I am the one who had surgery and occasionally I am the one who needs a shoulder to lean on and a strong arm to lead the way.
*I may not remember everything but I am not a child and it's still me under here. I am still fully able to take care of things.
*I am still able to make decisions and when you go behind my back because you "don't want to bother me" it hurts.
*Please know that I'm not going to break. I like to be cuddled and held. I want to be hugged and kissed and my hand held.
We all have a lot on our plates and are dealing with them in different ways. Some of us want to be held, some of us want to be left alone. I would love to be held but I can't stand the smell of smoke and my husband smokes right now. It doesn't mean that I don't love him or I'm not attracted to him. The meds that I am on make me sick enough without adding to them.
I'm trying to figure out why I'm feeling so bad all of the time. I don't have all of the answers but this does have a lot to do with it. I'm not the strong one that I though I was. I need a shoulder every now and then. I can't stand the fact that all I do every day is pick up and clean after everyone else. I'm a glorified janitor. I have lost me and all that is me. I have no opinion or say in anything anymore. If I want to watch one of my shows everyone leaves the room. If I leave the room I get 20 questions.
I cook, clean, and take care of the kids...that's it. I need to go back to work and find me because I sure as hell don't like who I am becoming....I don't like this person at all. I can't fake happy forever......
I called the doctor this week to see about going back to work and he doesn't think it's a good idea. I think that only one other person agrees with him....my husband. I called my old work and they said that yes she will find a spot for me when I have a "full release" to work. I'm not sure when that's going to happen.
Here Goes:
Sandy posted.....
*Please understand if I say or do something strange, I am not thinking clearly yet.
*Do not constantly remind me of what I can or cannot do. I had surgery, but did not revert back to my childhood.
*Please help me with my meds, as I might not be able to read the small print on the bottle yet.
*If you would make a meal for me, I'd love to eat somebody elses cooking.
*If I am wandering the house at 2 a.m. please don't ask me if I shouldn't be in bed. I'd love to be, but sleep comes harder for me now.
*Occasionally get me out of the house, even if it is just a ride to the Dairy Queen for a banana split.
*Let me work the television remote for a while.
*Offer to do the laundry or wash the dishes or change the bed sheets as I don't have a lot of energy right now.
*Take me to followup appointments with the doctors and take notes for me, as the memory isn't the best right now.
*Just help me get through this and I will be appreciative forever.
*Have patience.
Goldylocks added.......
* please make a chart of all my meds and help me remember to take them
* take me places, even if it is just for a car ride. cabin fever is awful on the recovery process
* do more around the house, cooking, cleaning, kids, etc.
Tammy added.......
"Go ahead and give me a call, I welcome phone calls."
"Make that meal if you want, it won't go to waste."
"I don't mind talking about my brain tumor, it even has a name."
"Let me tell you about my steroid highs."
"I know I might be over-doing it, but it helps to do things."
"Sometimes it just helps to vent."
"Tell me about work, and get my mind off things right now."
Carol you and I are one in the same......
Pleeeeeeeeaaaase, DON'T hover over me,I know you mean well, but it annoys ME. RESPECT MY PRIVACY. If I want to be left alone, leave me alone until I show up in the kitchen, again.Ignore my mood swings, the doctor messes around with my brain. It's nothing personal, it's my lack of inhabit ion.Thank You so much for giving me your time. I'll never forget it.
Diane added......
Take time for yourself. It will do us both good.Rent a movie that we will both enjoy and let's watch it together. Forgive me if I doze off.Talk to me about normal things--kids, work, sports, politics--anything that takes my mind off my worries.Stay positive even when I'm not. Attitudes are contagious.Make plans with me for something in the future whether it is dinner and a movie or a weekend trip to a favorite spot.
Kathy who's mother is the one with the M stated.....
Encourage and point out all the triumphs and victories, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.Routines are good, but be flexible for much needed rest time.Schedule time for yourself. Think of yourself as a pitcher of water, if you keep pouring out to someone else it'll empty soon - go off and fill yourself up as much as possible!Remember, no matter how difficult and frustrating it might feel for you at times, the patient does not WANT or CHOOSE to be dependent. They are dealing with physical discomforts, emotional highs and lows, beaten down spirits, feeling completely out of control, and in some cases, the residue and after effects of months of anxiety, stress and fear.
Don't Look Back....ME....posted...
*Please don't point out that we are in debt up to our ears and beyond every five seconds because of my surgery. It makes me feel guilty and is making me depressed.
*Try to remember that I am the one who had surgery and occasionally I am the one who needs a shoulder to lean on and a strong arm to lead the way.
*I may not remember everything but I am not a child and it's still me under here. I am still fully able to take care of things.
*I am still able to make decisions and when you go behind my back because you "don't want to bother me" it hurts.
*Please know that I'm not going to break. I like to be cuddled and held. I want to be hugged and kissed and my hand held.
We all have a lot on our plates and are dealing with them in different ways. Some of us want to be held, some of us want to be left alone. I would love to be held but I can't stand the smell of smoke and my husband smokes right now. It doesn't mean that I don't love him or I'm not attracted to him. The meds that I am on make me sick enough without adding to them.
I'm trying to figure out why I'm feeling so bad all of the time. I don't have all of the answers but this does have a lot to do with it. I'm not the strong one that I though I was. I need a shoulder every now and then. I can't stand the fact that all I do every day is pick up and clean after everyone else. I'm a glorified janitor. I have lost me and all that is me. I have no opinion or say in anything anymore. If I want to watch one of my shows everyone leaves the room. If I leave the room I get 20 questions.
I cook, clean, and take care of the kids...that's it. I need to go back to work and find me because I sure as hell don't like who I am becoming....I don't like this person at all. I can't fake happy forever......
I called the doctor this week to see about going back to work and he doesn't think it's a good idea. I think that only one other person agrees with him....my husband. I called my old work and they said that yes she will find a spot for me when I have a "full release" to work. I'm not sure when that's going to happen.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
My Legacy.....Is there anyone out there?
Do I have one? I'm supposed to be in the prime of my life. I'm supposed to be enjoying myself and my kids. I want to plan family vacations and plan for Christmas Break. I want to ENJOY myself. So, why can't I?
I am fighting a war in my head right now. A depression of will, Man vs beast. This beast is now taking over my life....my joys....my happiness. It is bleeding over into my children's lives. What good am I right now? I can't work, I'm fighting to survive, I have nothing to leave my children in case something happens to me and I don't have a clear plan on what to do. I am stuck in the middle of a twisting tornado and it is finally coming to a head that this is almost too much to bear.
I need to find someone to write my story for my boys and my family. Maybe it will help someone else going through this. How many people can actually say they have more than 15-20 brain tumors? And after all of that, how many of them can still walk and talk? I'm not sure why I'm complaining. I want my life to be simple, plain, no frills. I want to enjoy the sunrises and sunsets and the sound of the trees blowing in the wind. I want to talk to my husband without snapping or having a snide comment or yelling. I want to laugh until I cry with my kids and not just cry for them. I want to be me again. The fun loving energetic crafty girl who love to run through sprinklers and play hide and go seek. The one who used to jump in the car with the kids for no reason and just drive to the beach or the falls. I want my smile back. I'm tired of worrying all the time and I'm tired of feeling like everything is my fault because I got sick. Tired of feeling like I just want to run away......
My family was just here. My aunt and uncle. I tried to put on a happy face for them. I tried to show them that I was OK, that we were OK. They must think that I am completely losing it. All I wanted to do was enjoy the time I had with them but I was constantly reminded of our money problems and all of the bad shit going on at the house. WHY???? Why couldn't I just be left to enjoy my favorite Uncle. Why couldn't I be left to be normal for once. Step outside for a bit. Forget about all of the crap for just one minute. Remember what it was like to be just me, Kelly, not Kelly with the brain tumors who is causing our family to spiral down into a financial explosion. Yes, in the same sentence as all of our bill and repairs and everything else comes Kelly's illness, disease, etc.....
It's no wonder all I want to do is sleep anymore. It's no wonder I cry all the time and its no wonder that this is the only place that I feel I am able to let all of my feeling out to.
On a lighter note, I was given a link to a study done by some place overseas and it found that this organic stuff called Propolis BIO 30 has been shown to shrink tumors in the brain caused by NF2. Pretty cool. I e-mailed them in hopes that I can get the information back and be able to purchase it. It's derived from Bee Hives and Plant extracts and is sold in New Zealand. Wish me luck as I am on my way to a better place.
It does make me feel better to get everything out on here. I am normally a pretty positive person and I don't cry in front of my boys. I am off to tackle the house today and laundry. I want to venture up to JoAnn Fabrics and get some Halloween Decorations with my gift card. I have parent teacher conferences today and a date with my boys tonight to make Ghoulishly delicious cake. Hopefully we are able to make some decorations too...... Thanks for listening to all. I am OK just to let you know. If I didn't get it all out I wouldn't be OK..... I do want to find someone to write my story....
I am fighting a war in my head right now. A depression of will, Man vs beast. This beast is now taking over my life....my joys....my happiness. It is bleeding over into my children's lives. What good am I right now? I can't work, I'm fighting to survive, I have nothing to leave my children in case something happens to me and I don't have a clear plan on what to do. I am stuck in the middle of a twisting tornado and it is finally coming to a head that this is almost too much to bear.
I need to find someone to write my story for my boys and my family. Maybe it will help someone else going through this. How many people can actually say they have more than 15-20 brain tumors? And after all of that, how many of them can still walk and talk? I'm not sure why I'm complaining. I want my life to be simple, plain, no frills. I want to enjoy the sunrises and sunsets and the sound of the trees blowing in the wind. I want to talk to my husband without snapping or having a snide comment or yelling. I want to laugh until I cry with my kids and not just cry for them. I want to be me again. The fun loving energetic crafty girl who love to run through sprinklers and play hide and go seek. The one who used to jump in the car with the kids for no reason and just drive to the beach or the falls. I want my smile back. I'm tired of worrying all the time and I'm tired of feeling like everything is my fault because I got sick. Tired of feeling like I just want to run away......
My family was just here. My aunt and uncle. I tried to put on a happy face for them. I tried to show them that I was OK, that we were OK. They must think that I am completely losing it. All I wanted to do was enjoy the time I had with them but I was constantly reminded of our money problems and all of the bad shit going on at the house. WHY???? Why couldn't I just be left to enjoy my favorite Uncle. Why couldn't I be left to be normal for once. Step outside for a bit. Forget about all of the crap for just one minute. Remember what it was like to be just me, Kelly, not Kelly with the brain tumors who is causing our family to spiral down into a financial explosion. Yes, in the same sentence as all of our bill and repairs and everything else comes Kelly's illness, disease, etc.....
It's no wonder all I want to do is sleep anymore. It's no wonder I cry all the time and its no wonder that this is the only place that I feel I am able to let all of my feeling out to.
On a lighter note, I was given a link to a study done by some place overseas and it found that this organic stuff called Propolis BIO 30 has been shown to shrink tumors in the brain caused by NF2. Pretty cool. I e-mailed them in hopes that I can get the information back and be able to purchase it. It's derived from Bee Hives and Plant extracts and is sold in New Zealand. Wish me luck as I am on my way to a better place.
It does make me feel better to get everything out on here. I am normally a pretty positive person and I don't cry in front of my boys. I am off to tackle the house today and laundry. I want to venture up to JoAnn Fabrics and get some Halloween Decorations with my gift card. I have parent teacher conferences today and a date with my boys tonight to make Ghoulishly delicious cake. Hopefully we are able to make some decorations too...... Thanks for listening to all. I am OK just to let you know. If I didn't get it all out I wouldn't be OK..... I do want to find someone to write my story....
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I WANT MY LIFE BACK
And not just what I thought was my life before brain tumors but me....Kelly. I'm so tired all the time and I just want to be the lively energetic me. I'm tired of staying strong for everyone else and keeping a "happy face" for people and then when I need that fricken shoulder I don't get it.
What about me????
4 years ago next month my mom past away. This time of year already sucks for me. Not to mention the fact that I'm trying my damnedest to keep a happy face for my kids and everything just keeps falling on me like an avalanche. I'm so tired all the time. All I want to do is sleep. I can't blame everything on my tumors, I know, but I wish that just once something could come easy. One time, we could wake up and not have to worry about bills, broken washer, school clothes, electric bills, medical insurance, prescriptions, groceries, colds, LIFE. How strong does one person need to be before they just say stop and throw in the towel? When do I say when?
I don't like to complain. I really don't. I'm just tired. I'm tired of not being listened to. I'm tired of being put on the back burner and I'm tired of having something wrong with me. God needs to give this disease to someone who has the money to fight it. This is truly going to tear my family apart.
So, what prompted all of my negativity???? A bad dream, horrible, I saw my own death. And then all I could think about was my medical insurance ending and no way to get new insurance. I woke up in a cold sweat crying when I saw my kids crying.
I hate this!!!!! I hate this NF2.... I hate the FUCKING brain tumors and if I could have my way they could go somewhere else cause they sure aren't welcome here anymore........
What about me????
4 years ago next month my mom past away. This time of year already sucks for me. Not to mention the fact that I'm trying my damnedest to keep a happy face for my kids and everything just keeps falling on me like an avalanche. I'm so tired all the time. All I want to do is sleep. I can't blame everything on my tumors, I know, but I wish that just once something could come easy. One time, we could wake up and not have to worry about bills, broken washer, school clothes, electric bills, medical insurance, prescriptions, groceries, colds, LIFE. How strong does one person need to be before they just say stop and throw in the towel? When do I say when?
I don't like to complain. I really don't. I'm just tired. I'm tired of not being listened to. I'm tired of being put on the back burner and I'm tired of having something wrong with me. God needs to give this disease to someone who has the money to fight it. This is truly going to tear my family apart.
So, what prompted all of my negativity???? A bad dream, horrible, I saw my own death. And then all I could think about was my medical insurance ending and no way to get new insurance. I woke up in a cold sweat crying when I saw my kids crying.
I hate this!!!!! I hate this NF2.... I hate the FUCKING brain tumors and if I could have my way they could go somewhere else cause they sure aren't welcome here anymore........
Thursday, October 9, 2008
I still have these stupid tumors
They don't just go away, although I wish they did. I still get headaches. I still get tired. I still wear out easily and I'm still recovering.....shit!!!! It's only been 6 weeks and 2 days...but who's counting.... I am so frustrated with this whole healing process. I'm frustrated with the dizzy spells and the constant headaches and not feeling whole.
To top everything else off I have a cold. I'm not the only one in the house with a cold so my cold doesn't matter. Derek is stuck on the couch dying. Timmy is hacking in the bedroom and I'm cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and today was informed that I needed to make a doctors appointment because he couldn't deal with it. Apparently the nurses there are stupid and he can't deal with them right now. So, leave it to me to deal with????? Whatever....
I haven't been sleeping. I'm so tired. My neck and back spasm all the time. I'm trying to keep a strong face and a happy one but sometimes it's hard. I try to be superwoman but I'm not. I have to stay strong for my boys......for myself.....
OK...Pity Party over... I really hate that I vent like I do. So what if I have brain tumors... So what if I have a little cold and headache...I'm still alive and I'm still here.
A really good friend of mine sent me a smile. Yes I received it in the mail. A card, one of the talking ones and it's that lady from Saturday night live and she's going off about Constipation, zits, bloating...etc and I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard. I needed that. He has got to be one of my best friends ever. To be able to put up with me is not an easy task.....To make me smile and almost pee my pants.....PRICELESS!!!!!
To top everything else off I have a cold. I'm not the only one in the house with a cold so my cold doesn't matter. Derek is stuck on the couch dying. Timmy is hacking in the bedroom and I'm cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and today was informed that I needed to make a doctors appointment because he couldn't deal with it. Apparently the nurses there are stupid and he can't deal with them right now. So, leave it to me to deal with????? Whatever....
I haven't been sleeping. I'm so tired. My neck and back spasm all the time. I'm trying to keep a strong face and a happy one but sometimes it's hard. I try to be superwoman but I'm not. I have to stay strong for my boys......for myself.....
OK...Pity Party over... I really hate that I vent like I do. So what if I have brain tumors... So what if I have a little cold and headache...I'm still alive and I'm still here.
A really good friend of mine sent me a smile. Yes I received it in the mail. A card, one of the talking ones and it's that lady from Saturday night live and she's going off about Constipation, zits, bloating...etc and I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard. I needed that. He has got to be one of my best friends ever. To be able to put up with me is not an easy task.....To make me smile and almost pee my pants.....PRICELESS!!!!!
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Where are my Shoes??????
Among everything else...I can't find my shoes. Not my tennis shoes or my flip flops but my loafers. The easy to slip on, non-slip soles, cute, comfy shoes. We moved and they disappeared. Along with my shoes leaving town my waistline left too. Yep, I've gained weight and can't seem to lose it.
We are heading into the rainy season and walking the neighborhood is getting harder and harder. I can't risk getting sick but I can't risk gaining anymore weight. Yesterday Derek took me to the mall so I could buy two pairs of pants that fit. I could have cried. I still looked damn good but I'm up two sizes. This is not Kelly at her best.
I'm trying to find a treadmill on craigslist for cheep that works. That way I can work out inside and not gain anymore. Maybe when I lose the weight I will find my shoes....It could happen....
OK, I've complained enough about that. I just had major surgery and quit smoking. I was a tad overweight to begin with and that didn't help matters either. I will get over this and make it better. I will lose the weight and get back into my old clothes. The only thing is that we will have to buy new clothes again because my old clothes are old and holy and it's time to trash them. Lucky Me!!!!
I had a doctors appointment on Friday. He just wanted to make sure that my Migraines were OK and under control. He also was curious as to why I wasn't back at work. When I told him he raised an eyebrow and then said OK. I don't get it. He did tell me to come back and see him in another month and then I see the NS a month from then. Hopefully after that I will be back to work and going strong, or at least have an idea of a game plan.
Derek is home right now. He gave me a bracelet that has a silver heart on it and three charms that say Live, Laugh, Love. It is so sweet. We kind of lost our way for a second there. It wasn't fun but we are talking now and on the same page again. We love each other so much that it hurts us both when we don't communicate. Now we are talking about everything.
Well, I'm off to tackle my Sunday. I am teaching the boys how to do laundry and we have to get ready for the week. My Aunt and Uncle are coming soon and I need to get ready for them. Have a great Sunday everyone!!!!
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