I'm on steroids now and they make me jittery and tired and emotional and give me the hiccups. Wow! I think that I have a lot of serious soul searching to do. I am scared shitless right now and I couldn't function at work and I want to. I found out that I have been a butt with a capital B to my co-workers and it just isn't me. I know I have a lot on my plate but it isn't their responsibility to pick up after my mistakes. I just couldn't take the fact that me....the one who is so meticulous in her jobs and thrives on adversity and stress in the work place can't handle the day to day tasks. I'm losing it and this is not my tumors...... It may be a bi-product but I would classify it more along the lines of too much to deal with and maybe a little depression to boot. I'm scared and nervous all the time.
When do I get that strength that my mom showed me and everyone else. She was so amazing. She took everything in stride and rolled with it. She knew all along that the cancer wasn't going to get better but kept fighting it anyway. She was dancing at my brothers wedding in September. Going out to eat and to the beach with me in October and in the hospital the last time October 29 and then released October 30th to come home. There was nothing more the doctors could do for her. She was awake for her birthday on October 31st and slipped into a coma right after. She passed away on November 2nd. She tried so hard to be strong right to the end. She was so incredible. I need that right now. I need my mom. I need her to tell me to snap out of it. So you have brain tumors...now what are you going to do to fix it. I need her to hug me and tell me everything is going to be OK.....
Again, I'm on Steroids and being overly emotional is one of the side effects. I can't seem to stop crying unless I decide to scrub something or try to sleep. I've been writing down all of my questions for tomorrow and with every new question brings another question. I have so many. I really want to know why but I think I already know the answer to that.
You see, all my life my mom told me that I was the strongest woman she knew. When in fact that is the legacy in my family. My grandma, who is still alive, survived cancer...not just any cancer but Ovarian Cancer and Breast Cancer. Now, breast cancer is easily treatable and less evasive. Not easier to take by any means but it is treatable. Ovarian Cancer is a killer. They don't have a cure nor do they know a path or a reason. They treat symptomatically and go from there. The stories that I have heard about my grandma surviving this are incredible. They all go back to God and Faith. Prayers being answered and the faith that it will happen. She did survive. A miracle to say the least.
My Mom battled Cervical cancer, breast cancer and Ovarian Cancer twice. She always had a smile on her face. She had a full mastectomy, hysterectomy and many doses of Chemotherapy. She never faltered. To Live is a Gift she would always tell us. Don't look back. Keep moving forward. My brother and her used to pass this one to each other "When nothing is sure, anything is possible!"
My Aunt who has in the past been dealt the raw end of the deal. Moved from place to place with her company. She always started "new adventures" and found a way to include me in them. She battled Endometriosis most of her adult life. Now, for those of you who don't know what that is. Take your normal 7 day period. Multiply the cramps and everything else by 100 and that's what you get. She went through surgery to remove cysts caused from this and scar tissue. All she ever wanted was to get married some day and have children of her own which was shattered when they finally told her that she needed to have a hysterectomy. She did it with a smile on her face only months before her wedding. She is so strong and has been like a mom to me as well.
Then there is me. Following in the footsteps of a family whose women are strong willed and spirited. I may have lost that for a bit but I will find it again. I really need to think about them. How strong they were through everything and how they made it through each day by putting one foot in front of the other.
To Live is a Gift, and every ordinary moment is filled with beauty when seen through the eyes of the heart.
May 22, 2009
9 years ago