Friday, August 22, 2008


Well, if brain tumors and moving wasn't enough stress then throw in the family explosion.... Last night was a huge eye opener for me. The kids and Derek and me just lost it. Yelling and crying and whoa!!! I couldn't stop it. It was like a freight train that just plowed into us. One minute we were eating cake and laughing and the next minute it was world war three complete with atom bombs.
We did diffuse it and had a really good talk. The boys are really stressed right now and I'm thinking counseling is going to be a good thing. Now, Derek is really stressed. He has taken on so much and all I really want to know is how he is feeling. I want him to talk to me. Let me know his fears. I don't want him to take this all on himself. We are still a team and I love him so much. I saw a part of him yesterday that I have never seen before. I just don't want him to bottle all of this up and not have anyone to talk to. I am trying to get a hold of his mom to see if she can try to talk to him a bit. I also told my brother to take him aside and help him out. I think Derek just doesn't want to stress me out any. I love him for that but I can't stand to see him bottle this up and not open up to me. I still want to be there for him and the boys in every way. That's my job. That's who I am.
Surgery is 3 days away and my cold is getting better. My throat doesn't hurt anymore and all I have is a cough. The hospital called me yesterday and registered me then told me that I need to pay them $500.00 for the deductible and they wanted it right then. I explained it to her that payday was the day after surgery and I would talk to my doctor about it. I don't think he'll postpone surgery because of that. My cold on the other hand he will. I have to call him on Sunday to let him know how I am feeling. Lots of fluids and Vitamin C is what I am doing. Seems to be working.
Matty and Timmy are doing good. I feel so bad for them because as much as they try to understand what is going on they really don't. Matty cries and that's how he deals with everything. Timmy acts out and takes it out on his brother. I don't know what to do but just love them and hold them. Matty doesn't want to leave my side and Timmy just doesn't know which way is up. They are going to their dads on Sunday so I hope it will give them a break from all of this stress. I know it's a lot to take for us adults but I can't imagine how they must be feeling. I wrote them letters this morning for their first day of school. This will be the first one that I won't be there. They are starting a new school and meeting new friends and have a new home and so many changes. Throw in that their mom is having major brain surgery and WOW too much for such young kids to take.
They are strong boys though. I am truly blessed to have them. I couldn't have asked or wished for better children. I just wish that I could protect them from all of this. As a mother we never want our children to see us like this. We don't want them to see us in pain or crying and we don't want them to see us with staples in our heads. We have prepared them but given them the option to be here or at their dads. They can make the choice.
Today I am going over to my old apartment to do the final walk through. They will probably charge me 400.00 for move out damages and I'm OK with that because I couldn't clean the apartment. We turn in the keys and close that chapter of our lives. Kind of sad really. It was a big deal for us to move into that place and now we have a house. We are moving up in the world. All of our dreams and wishes are going to come true one step at a time.
I still have my to do list and look at it often.

Number one is and will be: SURVIVE BRAIN SURGERY NEXT MONDAY

Just so everyone knows, Keep me positive....Don't let me look back.....Keep me moving forward.... I am going to need help from everyone on this..... I can't let this get me down.... I can only let it move me forward.

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