I seem to be playing the waiting game a lot lately. I'm OK with it except that I am running out of things to do. I have cleaned and organized and just about done everything that a person can do. Today I am whooped.
Derek came home yesterday and he is so stressed out. He has taken on the roll of everything. When he first got home I felt like he didn't even want to be around me. He was staying busy and not even looking at me. I was scared that this was too much for him to bare. He cleaned the fish tank and took Roxy to the Groomers. Usually all he wants to do is relax after being on the road for so long. I finally lost it and started crying (still really easy to do given all the meds) and told him that he needed to let me know what was going on....
He has the weight of the world on his shoulders. He is now the "sole" provider for our family. He is responsible for everything. Who is going to take care of him. This has been my worry the whole time. I don't want this for him. I know he loves me and the boys and I know that he does this unselfishly just because he does love us. But, who is going to help him out with all of this?
You know, when it comes down to it....I can make it through surgery and I can recover. My worries always fall back to Derek and the boys. I want so bad for this to go away so that they don't have to worry about it. Matty is up and down and doesn't know what to think. He gives me so many hugs and doesn't really want to leave my side. Timmy is doing a 180 and being so helpful and lovable. He hasn't mentioned once to go play outside or to go to his dads. I think they are really scared. All I want is to take this burden off of them. To show them that God has a plan for me and he's not ready for me to be done yet. I have a long road ahead of me but I will make it....we will make it together and be stronger because of it.
So, today I am hoping to get a call from my NS to see about a possible surgery date or another appointment with him. I am also hoping that they at least push it out a couple of weeks. I am praying for good answers and a strong team of docs to help me with my journey. I am also doing research on holistic medicine for the rest of my tumors and for the continuing disease. I will make it through and when I do I will write a book.
Not everyone understands how much something traumatic and life changing like this can affect everyone around you. It's not just the tumors in my head, it's my boys and my husband, and my family. I can't make it go away but my family will always be there. We have been through so much already and have proven ourselves strong. We will always be there for each other no matter what. My family extends from coast to coast and I'm hoping to get everyone here for my recovery....that's me being selfish....yeah it shows from time to time. I want my boys to help me decorate a piece of poster board for people to sign who visit. My nieces are in charge of artwork for the walls and Derek is in charge of hugs and kisses...If I don't look to gross!! Just kidding.
To Do List:
1. Survive Brain Surgery
2. Vacation More with my family
3. Watch the Sunrise and Set
4. Own my Own house
5. Own my own business
6. Watch my kids graduate
7. Play with my grand kids
8. Spend more time with my husband
9. Hike, Camp, and Have more fun with Nature
10. Give back Volunteer
11. Go cross country with Derek
12. Re-new our vows on the beach in Hawaii barefoot
13. Visit a nude beach in Brazil
14. Re-type or add to this list everyday!!!
15. Go back to school
Although my list will never end and I will change it all the time I do plan on doing as much of it as I can. Add this one to the other one and I will add both to the next one I type......
May 22, 2009
9 years ago